JOAN’S BLOG –MONDAY, MARCH 25, 2013- THIS HAS TO STOP

As many of you are aware, my back and I have a tenuous relationship. For 2 ½ years, I was lifting wheelchairs and walkers into the car; pushing wheelchairs; lifting cartons of incontinence supplies - for two people – my father and Sid. Since my father passed away in December, I am still doing all of that for Sid, along with everything in the house from lifting grocery bags, heavy suitcases, laundry baskets, and whatever else needs doing. Back in October, I had an acute back pain episode that sent me to the Emergency Room, which resulted in three weeks of so many pills, I needed a chart to keep them straight. I was fine after that course of treatment. In December, I lifted Sid’s heavy suitcase into the back of my SUV, and I have not been the same since. I am in constant pain, which another course of Prednisone only alleviated for a week. I am seeing a back specialist who sent me to the hospital pain clinic.

Since I take Sid to that same pain clinic every month for a consultation and medication refill, the entire staff is familiar with both of us. When he has to have back injections, it takes two men to get him out of his wheelchair and onto the table. They always ask me – “How could you possibly be taking care of him at home alone?”

When the doctor saw me, he knew exactly why my back is in the condition it is in, and he said to me point blank – “This has to stop. You are going to kill yourself if you continue to push, pull and lift. As hard as it is, you have to put him in a facility.”

I know that. I am fully aware that I cannot provide the care he needs, but I must say, it was good to get validation from a medical professional.

However, it still does not assuage the guilt. I am NOT doing the caregiving that many of you are. I do not shower, dress, or feed him, which is why I feel guilty about placement. I feel that I should be doing more for him.  Medicaid sends a CNA to shower him. I am unable to bend up and down to help him with his shoes, socks, and jeans. He struggles mightily to do it himself with whatever assistance I can provide.

I am also aware that everything I say is contradictory. I cannot take care of him properly, so I have to place him. On the other hand, if I were caring for him as he needs, I would be hurting myself, but feeling I deserved the placement help. I know that none of what I say makes any sense because I am so emotionally distraught at the thought of the finality of living apart from him.

Four years ago, I thought the destruction of our marriage by Alzheimer’s Disease was the worst it could possibly get. I was wrong. One of our members has always said that with Alzheimer’s Disease, enjoy the day you are in, because that is the best it will be. It only gets worse. How right she is. This pending placement is making me physically ill in addition to my back pain. Since I was 10 years old, I have been looking for a “magic bullet” for weight loss. I have finally found it –planning placement for the love with whom I have shared over 2/3 of my life. I have no appetite, can barely get any food down, and am finally losing weight. Not the weight loss plan I had envisioned, but I’ll take it.

So the process has begun. Since Medicaid is involved, the process will be long and tedious, but I have the information I need, and am proceeding as instructed. I expect to have Sid placed within the next 3 months.

In the meantime, I am grieving deeply, as discussed in my previous “ The Crying Has Begun” blog below.  I have spent 5 ½ years reading about the placement experiences of hundred’s of members, but I never understood how profound the pain would be until I started to experience it.

With the help of my therapist, my wonderful website members, my family, and a few very good friends, I suppose I will get through this. I may even be happy again someday.

MESSAGE BOARD: Joan's Blog - This Has to Stop

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2013 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2013 All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

RECENT BLOGS:

The Super Bowl in the Alzheimer House - February 4, 2013 - An amusing look at how my husband with Alzheimer's Disease viewed the Super Bowl.

The Wall is Crumbling - February 11, 2013 - The wall that I have built to protect my pain is crumbling

The First Date and Alzheimer Grief - February 16, 2013 - My husband forgets one of the milestones of our life together.

In Our Shoes - February 25, 2013 - No one else could possibly understand our plight but another Alzheimer Spouse

CUSTOM DESIGNED SCARVES AND MORE

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved