JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR,APRIL 29/30 2009 – THEY ARE IN THERE

At the time of Ronald Reagan’s death from Alzheimer’s Disease in 2004, we were 2 years into problems with my husband that were troubling enough to start seeking medical advice. My knowledge of the disease was minimal, but I had seen two of Sid’s relatives in the end stages, so I knew how little awareness they possessed. Which is why I scoffed at the story from Reagan’s children that moments before his death, he opened his eyes, eyes that had been blank and lifeless for years, and there was a spark of life, love, and recognition in them as he looked at his beloved Nancy for the last time. “Well, how ridiculous is that”, I thought. It’s just a good story they are making up that will play well for the press.

Two instances that have occurred in the last 8 months with my own husband have convinced me that maybe, just maybe, that story was true.

Last August, I wrote a blog about seeing the eyes of the Alzheimer Devil in my own husband’s eyes. There was a darkness, anger, and evil emanating from them. No, I am not being melodramatic. Those of you who have experienced it with your own spouses know what I mean. At that time, Sid read the blog I had written about the unbearable pain he was inflicting on me with his rages. Something happened when he read it. The devil receded, and my husband reappeared. I could see it in his eyes. My Sid was in there again. We talked, kissed, cuddled, and he told me how much he loved me. He went away soon afterwards, of course, and I did not see him again until this Monday evening.

We had another “discussion” Monday afternoon. We (I) talked about how he was making the choice to spend whatever time we had left together wallowing in anger, rather than appreciating the positive and enjoying what we could.  He promised to try to be better, but I could tell from what he said and the way he said it, that he still did not “get” it. That evening, I was in the kitchen with my back turned when he came in, and  I heard him say, “I just read your blog ( I Wish You Had Known us Before…..)”.  I turned to him, looked at his face, into his eyes, and there was my husband. The real one. The one I hadn’t seen since last August. The difference is startling. It IS in the eyes. He was in there. He expressed genuine remorse for inflicting so much pain on me, and promised he would take his anti-rage medication with no arguments. I fully understand that he has no control over the Alzheimer Devil, and there will be many more incidents, but my heart overflowed with joy to see my real husband, and to know that somewhere deep inside, he is still there. I do not know when I will see him again, but I felt so much pleasure from just catching a glimpse of him.

These two incidents have convinced me that they are buried deep inside of themselves. Somewhere. Always. Even at the end. I do not know if that story about Reagan on his deathbed is true, but I now believe it is possible.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved