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JOAN’S BLOG – TUE/WED., OCTOBER 25/26, 2011 – THE WINDS ARE CHANGING

Just as many of you, I have been struggling with the idea of getting out on my own; building a new life for myself before Alzheimer’s Disease claims my husband’s life. I have not yet reached the place our member Emily speaks about in “Your Heart Might Recover. Some” on the message boards. She states, “I've recently become aware that that gnawing need for a relationship has dissipated. The romantic thing, I mean. (We all need intelligent conversation...that always remains a need we have to meet some way.) Anyway, it's nice. I feel better. I still have an AD husband to care for, but I'm finding that my general state of emotional well-being is greatly improved and I can be a caring caregiver without "faking it" anymore. I mean, there was kind of an act involved when I had to work around the pain without showing it, but now I'm just fairly self-content as a solo person who happens to have the job of caring for a nice guy.”

There is no doubt that I have lost my partner. He is not now, nor ever will be again, the man I married and was “in love” with for 2/3 of my life. But I do not yet see myself as a “solo” person, although I surely am not content the way I am. Waiting. In limbo. Waiting for what? For the acceptance Emily has found, so I can start a life of my own? I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I am looking for. Up until Alzheimer’s Disease took over my life, I could plan ahead. choose what I wanted to do; and execute a plan to make it happen.  Now I guess I would say that I am……..adrift. I hate it. It is making me extremely grumpy and resentful of my caregiving job.

Something happened on Saturday night that shifted the winds of my life a little bit. There was a Villa party, designed for the residents in the Independent Living Villas where I live, to socialize and get to know one another. Sid wanted to go. It was all of 30 steps away, across the street in the clubhouse. I was tired, grouchy, and in a “why do I always have to go places and do things I don’t want to do” mode. I told Sid that we weren’t going. I groused that I already knew the people who lived here, all of whom are almost 30 years older than me. He managed to guilt  me into going.

The first thing I noticed when we arrived was that my husband and I had exchanged roles. He was always the social one, mingling, meeting, talking. I was always more reserved, and it was difficult for me to dive into a social situation head first. I helped him with his walker, sat him down at a table, and went to get his food at the buffet. He spoke to the man seated next to him, whom he knew, but made no attempt at conversation with the others at the table. He sat quietly, ate, and looked miserable. I bounced from table to table, talking to those I knew, and meeting those I did not. I introduced him to a few of the people I met, and tried to bring him into the conversation at the table, to no avail.

I met a woman who not only was in my age range, but a retired educator like myself. She wanted to start a Mahjong group, and was willing to teach the game to anyone who wanted to learn. I have always resisted those types of groups, as I never wanted to be tied to a specific day and time for an activity. But once again, the winds of my life shifted a little, and I thought- It would be wonderful for me to get out of the house, away from Sid, away from Alzheimer people, and do something fun for a few hours. I have been unable to follow through on anything I have planned in that vein because it involved getting up early, traveling a distance, and leaving Sid home alone for hours at a time. This Mahjong activity would be in the afternoon, across the street in the clubhouse. I decided to do it.

This is a very tiny step away from my Alzheimer life, but the tiniest of steps are all I seem capable of taking at this point in my journey – both emotionally and physically. It’s a start.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's Blog - The Winds are Changing

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©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2010 All Rights Reserved
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  RECENT BLOGS:  

My Lost Smile - How sad to learn that others now view my smile as a rare occurrence - Sept. 3-5, 2011

Final Acceptance - My husband's emotional pain at the realization of his failing memory has forced me to accept the repetitive questions and answer as if it was the first time I heard it - Sept. 8/9, 2011

Trying Not to Look Ahead - Starting to dwell on the future, and it is scaring me - Sept. 12/13, 2011

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved