JOAN’S THANKSGIVING BLOG – NOVEMBER 28, 2013

So much has changed in my life since last year, that I felt the need to write a new Thanksgiving blog reflective of all of those changes and the need to be thankful in spite of sorrow and despair.

In telling my story and resolving to be thankful in spite of life’s traumas, I hope to inspire all Alzheimer Spouses to find something in their lives for which to give thanks.

There is no doubt that long term caring for a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease can destroy the well spouse’s mental, emotional, and physical health, as I can certainly attest. By the time I faced the trauma of placing my husband in a nursing home in August, I had not one ounce of physical or emotional health left to give. I was emotionally broken from 10 years of trying to cope with losing the essence of the man who was my husband. I was physically broken from 4 years of walkers, wheelchairs, lifting, pushing, pulling, and bending.

As if facing the fact of living apart from the man with whom I had shared my entire adult life was not wrenching enough, I was now expected to forge a new “single” life for myself. With my son 3000 miles away in San Francisco; my sister 1500 miles away in Chicago; my brother and sister-in-law 1200 miles away in Rhode Island; and my closest Florida relative now a 3 hour drive after this summer’s move to The Villages in North Central Florida, I found myself truly alone.

My job now was to heal physically and emotionally; to find new single friends and activities; and to adjust to “visiting” my husband four or five times a week after living with, and sleeping next to him for 43 years. This was one tall order to accomplish, and one that is taking a long time.

So now it is Thanksgiving, which I am spending with my sister, brother-in-law, nephews, grandnieces and grandnephew. The house is filled with the noise and laughter of toddlers, huge loveable dogs who consider themselves lap dogs, and the aromas of home cooking and baking. Being enveloped in family, busyness, children and animals, was supposed to lift my spirits.

Instead, I am finding the experience bittersweet. There is joy in making cookies with the help of 2 year old and 4 year old hands; there is contentment in the warmth of two dogs cuddled up to me; there is the welcome change of the vitality of life swirling around me, rather than the depressing sickness and despair of the nursing home.

However, there is such sadness in the realization that waking up with Sid at 5 AM as we both stuff the turkey and put it in the oven; my house filled with relatives; my son and his friends; always at least two dogs; joy and laughter, are part of the past – a past only I remember as Sid and his Alzheimer’s Disease live only in the moment. Watching my sister and her husband of 35 years interact; my nephew, his pregnant wife and their two toddlers play and laugh; the dogs play tug of war with a pull toy, reinforces the knowledge that what I am seeing is a movie of what used to be for me and will never be again. It is not easy to take.

Yes, I am very sad that my nephew’s young family years are behind me; that my life with Sid as the man he was, is behind me. But it is Thanksgiving, the time of year we are supposed to take a step back, look at our lives, and find the positives for which to give thanks. 

I am thankful that my Alzheimer husband still knows and loves me. I am thankful for the good years we shared together and the memories I have of that time. I am thankful to be surrounded by loving family. I am thankful for my son, who has supported all of my decisions related to his father. I am thankful to be free to visit friends and relatives in different parts of the country. I am thankful that my son is coming to visit in a month. And I am thankful for life long friends who helped me through my emotional meltdown after Sid’s placement.

Many of you have experienced the placement or death of a spouse this year. Many others have experienced equally traumatic events related to your spouse’s Alzheimer’s Disease. In spite of the despair, please tell us on the Message Boards for what you are thankful.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's New Thanksgiving Blog 2013

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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