GUEST BLOG BY DR. TEENA CAHILL - WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2008 -REFRAMING CAREGIVING

Seventeen years ago my husband, a former Marine Corps fighter pilot and captain with a large commercial airline, became disabled; and I became a caregiver.  Actually, I think we are all care-givers in some way; as parents, as sons or daughters, as siblings, as friends, or just as human beings.  But, when a spouse becomes disabled it's different.

My husband Brooks and I fell in love the night we met, and eventually combined our six kids, various critters, and busy careers. Seven years into our marriage we went to bed one night and by morning he was given little chance to live. He had experienced a cerebral hemorrhage, later a stroke, and still later, a spinal cord injury. 

During the first weeks of Brooks' crisis, when life itself was uncertain, nothing mattered more than my staying a vigilant advocate for him.  When we returned home and his well being dictated the regular routine, I was thrilled.  After all, there had been weeks when this luxury seemed unattainable. 

But in time, when your spouse is the one for whom you care, the dynamics in your marriage change, and daily life is different in many ways. What you first recognize as the unusual, becomes the usual; and eventually you adjust to life being based on a "new normal."   Somewhere in the midst of living through this cognitive shift, I began to see that being a wife who cares is different from being a wife who is a caregiver. I had never really ever thought of myself as a caregiver, but when I recognized and accepted the "new normal" I also integrated my new identity into my life.

Teena's Top 4 Tips for Caregiving.

Balance in life is a myth.  The better model is one of resilience.  We are all born tough, with the ability to bounce back from adversity.  The trick though, is to know how to do this.  We all know we should exercise, but rarely discuss how what we think is just as important as what we do.

When I buy into the myth of balance and think my life should be perfectly calibrated, I feel frustrated when it is not.  But, when I change my expectations to the more realistic view that balance only lasts in the moment, then I am open to look at what is right, not what is wrong in my life. And what is right, is that while I cannot control every event in life, I can make the choice to be identified not by events, but by my positive reaction to events. This is called a cognitive reframe and is one of the many skills we can use to enhance our innate resilience.

Stress gets a bad rap. I am sick and tired of opening magazines and reading how, as a care-giver, I am going to get sick!  We are so wrapped up in fearing stress that we have lost the original ideas that Hans Selye wrote about decades ago in his pioneering book, "Stress With Out Distress."  It turns out we actually do better with some stress in our life.  In fact there is a study that shows with women, care-giving can actually be a stress reducer, if the woman can set some boundaries and take care of her. The answer is not to strive for a life without stress, but rather to learn to enhance our resilience by being mindful as to how we respond to the challenges that create stress.

Live Wide.  Our culture is so focused on living long, it is rarely mentioned that one of the greatest predictors of longevity is to live wide!  No one does well in isolation, and for care-givers that is true one hundred times over. We all do better if we increase our "webs of connectedness," allow ourselves to follow our passions, go forward with our dreams, and just have some fun with others.

Good Enough is Really Good! Most people, especially women feel guilty if they put themselves first.   It's called selfish, and most people do not like that identity.  So, we try to be perfect. But, perfect, like balance only lasts in the moment.  A better life, whether a caregiver or not, is about figuring out where you can be "good enough!" Caregivers need respite care, need to ask for and accept support, need to follow their passions, weave their webs of connectedness, and build joy and contribution into their lives…. and sometimes just be good enough.  Only when we make the choice to put not only others first, but ourselves too, are we able to give our best to those we love!

Copyright Wisdom and Beyond, LLC, Princeton NJ 2008

Teena Cahill, Psy.D., is an internationally acclaimed speaker on resilience, aging, leadership and caregiving (www.teenacahill.com) She is the radio host of "Nurturing the Nurturers: A show for caregivers" (www.webtalkradio.net,) TV host of "Wisdom and Beyond with Dr. Teena Cahill" (seen on Verizon Cable and TV 30 in Princeton, NJ.)  and she is the author of the popular book on caregiving,"The Cahill Factor:Turning Adversity into Advantage"

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