JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – JUNE 30, 2012 – THE FINE ART OF TALKING TO ONESELF

We have often discussed the dismal lack of conversation between ourselves and our Alzheimer Diseased spouses. Since all of us are “repeated out” from listening to the same stories and questions ad infinitum from our husbands and wives, I shall not repeat those discussions here. You may click the following blogs and forum topics for a refresher.

The Disappearing Conversation Blog

The Disappearing Conversation - Message Board discussion

Recent events have forced me to do something drastic to rectify my conversational desert. There is always a final “straw”, and mine came Wednesday night when I mentioned to my husband, who watches the news constantly, that “Tomorrow we will know the Supreme Court’s decision on health care.”  I was met with the usual blank stare, which led me to explain and review background on the situation, which, in turn, pretty much rendered dead any further conversation.

On Thursday morning, when the SCOTUS decision was announced, I guess old habits die hard, and I went into the den to tell him. Sticking like glue to my policy of not arguing politics on this website, it is irrelevant which side any of us has taken, and I am not discussing it here. However, regardless of anyone’s political leanings, the fact that conservative John Roberts was the deciding vote to uphold the health care law makes for fascinating conversation on both sides of the aisle. Except in an Alzheimer house. I was met, yet again, with the blank stare and a plea for explanation.

One important fact about all conversations is that they have a reference point. No matter what you are discussing, whether it is politics, religion, current events, life events you have shared, your children’s lives, your friends or finances, you will reference something in the conversation that you have discussed before. Or you will assume your discourse partner can recall previous points or events without you spending an hour in explanation. With an Alzheimer Diseased spouse, there is little to no memory of any referents. That leaves you talking to a blank wall or yourself.

My desperate solution to breaking the Alzheimer induced conversational silence in my house is to……………….keep talking and engage in a faux discussion. That means I am free to give my views on all subjects without having to debate the pros and cons of my opinion. I have given it a try, and it’s not bad. I talk. He listens. He agrees.

Yes, it sounds silly, but the alternative for me is to sit bursting with ideas, opinions, and questions on all subjects and no one with whom to share them; no one’s alternative ideas to consider. Nothing. Blank. At least my voice breaks the silence.

We have had so many adventures in our 42 years together. I am sad we can not reminisce about them. I am sad that he does not remember the “painted puppy” episode when we tried to paint the inside of the house together. He fired me from that job. He does not remember washed out Boy Scout parades in which I marched while he stood on the sidelines. He does not remember our nighttime swims in the backyard pool. He does not remember any of our Hawaiian tours, nor our Caribbean and Hawaiian snorkeling tours; none of our Disney adventures; none of the concerts we attended. If it is these “shared” memories I am discussing, that he can no longer remember, at least I get enjoyment from recalling them.

While he does not remember the good times, neither does he remember the bad times. He has what he calls only “vague” memories of my miscarriage; our difficulties with our son when he was a teenager; my deadly health scare 12 years ago. I prefer not to discuss them, so I do not have to.

Regardless of his lost memories and blank stares, I have decided to keep talking.  It works for me.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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