JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, MARCH 9/10, 2011 – RESPITE, AH SWEET RESPITE

I don’t know why, but I have been figuring that long term respite (more than a one day shopping trip or spa experience) is for spousal caregivers who must handle ADL’s – feeding, dressing, showering, shaving, toileting (or changing diapers) – for their husbands/wives. When I think of caregivers needing respite, I think of spouses up all night dealing with wandering, agitation, pacing, cleaning up toileting messes, whether on the bathroom floor or in the bed. I do not think of long term respite as applying to me, someone whose exhaustion is related to running around from appointment to appointment to store to store and back and forth between tending to my father’s needs at the ALF and my husband’s physical and emotional needs at home; to answering the same questions 10 times in one day; to trying to explain directions and information to an AD confused spouse; to monitoring his blood glucose levels and food intake; to insurance, doctor, hospital, financial phone calls. It is tiring, aggravating, and annoying, but I do not think it compares to the burden of those of you doing the ADL’s.

Therefore, I have been grateful for a day every now and then to go shopping with a girlfriend or spend at a spa. It wasn’t until my sister flew in Sunday afternoon to take over my duties and give me a true break, that I realized how much I needed long term respite. She had originally planned to come to take care of me, Sid, and my father after my surgery, but when the surgery was cancelled, she decided to come anyway, and am I glad she did.

She was back and forth between my house and the ALF to see my father twice on Tuesday for a total of 3 hours. After we dropped Sid off at his Alzheimer Buddies get-together that afternoon, she came with me to the gym, took me out to lunch, and did my laundry. On Wednesday, she is taking me to a spa for a massage, will handle whatever my father needs, grocery shop, and drive Sid where he needs to go. We take for granted what we do because we have to do it, but when someone else lightens the load, the sense of relief is overwhelming. I can feel my shoulders relaxing, and I have not even had my message yet.

Everyone I know has advised me to sit back and let her do what she came to do. It is a little more difficult than I anticipated. As I am writing this, she is at the ALF, handling simple matters for my father that I usually do. Last night, she gave Sid his supper and pills. I am feeling somewhat  guilty that I have not been next door to see my father yet this week, and that I certainly could have given Sid his supper. Yet, the other side of me – the worn out side – is whispering in my ear – “Get over it! That’s what she’s here for.”

She sees things from a different perspective than I do. She sees Sid’s whining about his aches, pains, tiredness, and whatever else he finds to whine about, as a bid for my attention, and she insists I should see to his basic needs and ignore the whining. She has not seen my father since July, and is impressed with how good he looks and how settled he seems. She wants me to stop worrying about attending to his every summons immediately, as he is well taken care of.  Her perspective is probably more accurate than mine, and at least while she is here, I will try to “chill out” and let her do my jobs. I cannot say I will accomplish it without some guilt, but I surely am going to enjoy that massage this afternoon.

This makes me want to shout from the rooftop to all of you, whether you are doing caregiving like mine, or are deep into ADL’s, lifting, turning, and cleaning personal messes, YOU ALL NEED RESPITE LONGER THAN A DAY. If you are lucky enough to have a sibling, relative, or friend, like my sister, let them know you need their help for a week, and take what they offer. If you can afford to hire help so you can get away, do it. If you do not have wonderful friends and relatives, or money, contact an Alzheimer or community social worker to find out what free respite services are available to you.

Sorry, my sister is all mine. She’s not for rent.

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©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2011 All Rights Reserved
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