JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, JUNE 30/JULY 1, 2010 – GET ME OUT OF HERE – I AM SURROUNDED BY DEMENTIA

My intent with my blogs is to be brutally honest. It is my hope that with my candor, others will see themselves in my writing and not feel so alone in their own thoughts and feelings related to caring for a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease. I try to find the positive in my experiences, no matter how deep I must dig to discover it. I try to give hope and encouragement to others who share my miserable journey as an Alzheimer Spouse. But sometimes, sometimes…………….I just want to scream and run away  to Normal Land. I seem to remember that such a place exists.

I feel as if I am the lone defender of my “Normal”wagon, which is surrounded by Dementiamen. Everywhere I turn, there is someone coming at me  who needs information and directions explained in 3 word sentences. Turn to the left, my husband is asking me, for the FIFTH time in a span of 2 hours – “Why didn’t you test drive the car when you went to the dealer?” He does not even vary the words of the question. They are EXACTLY the same as they were the previous 4 times, as is the answer. Turn to the right, my husband is asking if I filled his pill box, went to the grocery store, made his doctor appointment. AND tells me that I should not wait until the weekend to do the grocery shopping.  ???????  As if I do it then because I WANT to. I do it when I get a free minute. Turn around again, and my father is asking me if I made his doctor appointment, talked to the nurse, bought his hearing aid batteries. Turn around again, and all of Sid’s Alzheimer buddies are smiling, carefree, happy, and not remembering a thing I say.

There is a seat in my wagon, but I do not sit in it. I am too busy running back and forth , getting my husband his newspaper, food, drink, AND having to constantly argue with him why he is not allowed to do these tasks. He does not remember that the doctor said NO WALKING on the broken foot. He tells me that he does not walk on the foot. He LEANS ON HIS HEEL. He does not remember that I tell him that pressure will cause him to break his heel.

I am standing by my wagon, spinning around and around , hoping to see someone normal coming towards me, but all I see are Dementiamen asking for the same thing over and over again, because they cannot remember that they asked. All I hear are Dementiamen telling me what they need NOW. Some of them look like Sid; some look like the people in the ALF next door; some of them look like my father, who, in his ninth decade, wants what he wants when he wants it. Everywhere I turn, I feel as if someone is pulling pieces out of me.

I made up my mind that things will get done on MY timetable. I refuse to run myself ragged trying to do everything NOW. Sid always complains that HIS needs are at the bottom of my list. Unfortunately, my father has decided to chime in with the same complaint about his needs. I have decided to ignore both of them. Whatever needs doing will get done when I get to it.

But right now - This is what I want. I want someone to pluck me out of my circled wagon and take me to a place where I can have a stimulating conversation with a person from Normal Land who will remember it. I want to get into the passenger side of a car and let someone with an intact brain drive me far, far away to a land where everyone can make their own doctor appointments, walk without a walker or wheelchair, reason rationally, and understand abstracts.

I will by 62 years old in a few weeks. It’s old, but it’s not ancient, and luckily, at the moment, my legs, feet, and brain still work. I need to find a path that leads to Normal Land and visit with people like me for awhile.

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