JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – MAY 27-29, 2011 – THE STRAW THAT BROKE MY BACK

“The straw that broke the camel’s back” is a saying to which I can relate quite well. We Alzheimer Spouses take, in the name of Alzheimer’s Disease, a level of physical, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse, the likes of which we would NEVER accept if our spouses were healthy. We shoulder all of the household tasks, financial burdens, physical work, AND tolerate verbal abuse and single minded self absorption as if it were a normal part of a symbiotic relationship. We take all of it, alone, bit by bit by bit, until finally, when one more “straw” is placed upon our backs, it breaks us. (I understand that some of your spouses never experience rages, tantrums, or spew verbal abuse, and for that, you are very lucky.)

My break occurred this week. It has been so emotionally draining that I have not been able to write about it until now.

Things have been on a downhill spiral around here for weeks. My husband is pulling back more each day, refusing to do ANYTHING for himself, including those tasks he is capable of doing. Although it has been almost 6 months since his knees fractured, and they are surely healing by now, he will not get out of his chair in the den to get himself a drink, close the blinds, or retrieve anything from another room. He is refusing to do the simplest of chores that he used to do, such as folding laundry. Up until this week, he has been whining like a two year old if asked to get up from his chair for any reason. I do EVERYTHING. Now, in addition to the whining, the irrational temper tantrums are starting again. He is completely wrapped up in his “wants”, and if they are not met, by me, all Hell breaks loose.

As I said, sometimes it’s just one little straw that tips the scales, and Wednesday night it was a simple request by me that he eat a snack, because his glucose level was low. It started with a whine that he did not want to eat anything, and progressed to a full blown tantrum when I explained that he HAD to eat something. It all came back, just as it had 2 years ago, before we got his rages under control. The screaming that I am always interrupting his television time; that I am always making him do work; that I never leave him alone……………….and more.

I snapped. Even caregivers who are supposed to “take” everything thrown at us, because “it’s the disease, not them”, and “they can’t help themselves” do snap.  The stress got to me, and I screamed in return that I quit this &*%#* job, and from now on he could take care of himself. I stormed out of the den, shaking with fury. To what end do I have to put up with this, I thought to myself. Why must I be under such constant stress? It doesn’t make sense that I am required to give up my life and my mental and emotional health because of Alzheimer’s Disease. Does it?

About an hour later, he came into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator door, and screamed at me that I needed to tell him what there was to eat. He stomped around the kitchen, as much as one dependent upon a walker can “stomp”, complaining and whining that I didn’t have anything for him to eat.

I ignored him. At that point, I knew there was no sense in answering or arguing. I was too exhausted, and it is futile to argue with an Alzheimer patient in a rage. I simply went into the den, closed the doors, and fell asleep on the lounge chair.

At 1:30 AM, I woke up, and decided I did not need to be punished by sleeping in a chair, and went into the bedroom. He had not even seen fit to shut off the light. Another one of my jobs. He was awake and remorseful, asking for forgiveness, telling me that he could not sleep without me in bed. I ignored him. Alzheimer’s Disease or no Alzheimer’s Disease, I felt I had the right to be upset for being on the receiving end of such vile treatment.

The next day, in the midst of all of his apologizing for upsetting me, although he had no idea what he had done, I explained, in short simple sentences, what had gone on and how reprehensible his behavior had been. More apologizing and promising to “do better”.

My rational brain understands that no remorse he expresses will mean anything later, because his diseased brain is in charge. I know this, but that does not stop my heart from breaking from MY loss. I have lost my husband for good, and I am now expected, as I said in the beginning, to put up with all that the disease that took him sees fit to hurl at me. I know we are told that “life isn’t fair”, but I still have to say that it hardly seems fair that one disease has the power to destroy two lives at once.

My sister tells me to “harden my heart” and walk away from everything he says and does. What a horrible way to live the last part of my life. I am sad for the loss of the love of my life; I am angry at Alzheimer’s Disease for taking him; and I am stressed to the ultimate degree from the treatment I have to endure because of a disease that someone else has.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan’s Blog – The straw that broke my back.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2010 All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved