JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, FEBRUARY 10/11, 2010 – A SPOUSAL CAREGIVER SAYS “NO”.

As spousal caregivers of AD husbands and wives, we are expected to accommodate their needs. Most of us, myself included, are more than willing to do for them, what they are no longer able to do for themselves. That may be anything from making business calls to cutting up their food. A lifetime of love and devotion to each other makes it a privilege, and I certainly do for him what he CANNOT do.

I have, however, decided to put the proverbial foot down when it comes to tasks my husband CAN still do, and accommodations for me that he IS still able to make. Without me saying one single word about the foot that was about to come down with a thud, much to my shock, last week, Sid told me that he knew how hard I worked for both of us, and he could see that I never took any time for myself. He actually asked me to promise that I would start taking time for me. I agreed, knowing full well that he would forget the conversation ever took place.

Here comes reality. When he is not at an activity or on an outing with his Alzheimer buddies, or at the gym or grocery store with me, he sits and watches TV all day. I do not argue about it, or force him to do other things, as his stamina is low, and sometimes, he needs to rest. He SITS, and when I finally get into the den, after a long day, he asks for me to go back to the kitchen to get him a drink; get him some fruit; get him some something. He is still perfectly capable of getting out of that chair and walking to the kitchen to get whatever he needs, while I sit and rest. So I have started to say .  There will be a time when he is not capable of fending for himself in that manner, and when that time comes, I will do it for him. But that time is not now, and this spousal caregiver said,  . With no guilt.

On Saturday, our friends had plans to go to the movies. Sid, who, regardless of how many outings and activities he has, still thinks he is “stuck in the house”  because I “took away his driving”,  jumped at the chance to go. I always go to whatever outing is planned, whether I want to or not, because he needs the socialization. This time I had other ideas. Southern Florida weather has not been good this winter, and we had just come off of two weeks of clouds, rain, and dreariness. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day. The last thing I wanted to do was sit in a dark theater. I wanted to be outside in the fresh air and sunshine, and I told him so. “I want to go to the pool, feel the sun warm my joints, read my book, and frolic around in the water, and that is what I am going to do!” He pouted for a bit, but came along with me, and seemed to enjoy the sunshine.

When we came back into the house, I was mellowed out and relaxed. He heard our friend’s voice on the answering machine telling where and what time they were going to dinner after the movies, and to meet them if we wanted to. In one hour. Sid, who generally moves like a turtle, was ready to change his clothes and run out the door. Meeting them in an hour would have required the miracle of me showering, washing, drying, styling my hair, doing my makeup, getting dressed, and driving ½ an hour to the restaurant. Which would have negated my just completed afternoon of rest. For the second time in one day, I said, .  With no guilt.

If every caregiving expert tells us to take time for ourselves, not neglect our own emotional and physical health, is it so bad to say   once in a while to our spouses?  As they progress farther into the disease, those opportunities to do something for ourselves will continue to decrease. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel that if I supply him with the socialization and activities that he “needs”, and do for him what he cannot do himself, I can say   to what he IS able to do for himself and for me.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Joan's Wed. Blog - A Spousal Caregiver Says NO.

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