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JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – MAY 20-22, 2011 – SO SAD

I am always so busy complaining about Alzheimer’s Disease’s effect on me, that I lose sight of how it is affecting my husband. We had an experience last night that slapped me out of my narcissistic self involvement.

We were watching TV. I know that Sid has trouble following complex plots. Forget flashbacks. He cannot deal with those at all. I also know that he forgets the plot as soon as the show is over. What I did not realize is that he forgets what happens during the show from one minute to the next.

At the beginning of the show we were watching, a policeman gave his policewoman fiancé a locket that belonged to his mother. I thought it was unrelated to the plot, and wondered to myself why it was written. At the end of the show, as I had predicted to myself in the beginning, the policeman turned out to be the “bad guy”, and after his fiancé shot him, he pulled the locket off of her neck.

As the locket came off, I told Sid that I thought something was odd when he had given it to her. Sid had another of those blank looks on his face, and when I asked if he remembered that scene from the beginning, he said he did not. I was getting a sinking feeling in my stomach, when I asked if it is difficult to know what is going on if you cannot remember what happens from scene to scene. He put his head down, and quietly answered, “ It’s hard. Lots of times I can’t follow what’s going on.” The next sound I heard was the pieces of my scarred heart once again breaking into tiny shards.

We (Especially me – I am guilty!) grumble about their incessant repetitive questions; repetitive tales; and blank or confused looks. But what must it be like for them?  I tried my best to imagine watching a TV show with no memory of the previous scenes. I came up with a brain vacancy, confusion, a headache, and frustration. He must suffer nightly brain overload and exhaustion struggling to follow the plots.

We have probably all seen or heard about educational experiments in which children are blindfolded and forced to spend a day living as a blind person. It teaches them, as no textbook can, to realistically experience life in the dark. With that idea in mind, I tried to imagine living my daily life without remembering what I did, what occurred, or what someone told me in the previous hour. My attempt made me feel as if I was alone in the room, continually starting my day, my chores, my work, from scratch. No reference to what I am about to do to what I have done, knew, or learned previously. Think about how isolating, lonely, and frightening that must be. It explains why they are so attached to us; so dependent upon us. I have given lip service to the idea that I am his security blanket, comfort zone, and protector, but until I put myself in his place, I did not realize how vital my role is to his emotional and mental well being.

Imagining living in my husband’s world, even for a few minutes, gave me a much needed reality slap. There is no doubt that his forgetfulness, confusion, and clinginess do suffocate and stress me to the edge, but I am able to function independently, capably, and with my previously learned knowledge intact. His is not. How heartbreakingly sad.

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