JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, AUGUST 4/5, 2010 – SOMETIMES IT’S THE SMALL THINGS THAT HURT THE MOST

Every spouse of an Alzheimer patient lives with a depth of sadness like no other – sitting by helplessly and watching as the personalities, shared memories, and abilities of our lovers disappear before our eyes. It is a pain that permeates our being to the point that we actually become used to it. It is a way of life for us.

But once in a while, something apparently small and insignificant occurs that bolts us out of our state of “new normalcy”, and awakens us with an arrow to the heart so sharp, it takes our breath away. That happened to me yesterday. My friend and I were talking about taking a cruise – perhaps the last one our spouses can enjoy. Not a cruise with a big group of people that will confuse and agitate our spouses and stress us out. Just a cruise for the 4 of us – laid back; do our own thing kind of cruise. Our husbands are very comfortable with one another, and could hang out together (we use walkie talkies on board ship to keep in touch), while we gals were off doing what we enjoy. She likes to stay inside. I like to stay outside. The 4 of us could take bus tours together at the ports. Then she said to me, “I know how much you like snorkeling. Sid can’t do it anymore, but you could go.”

Such a simple little statement, and I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart. My eyes welled up, and I related the story of how I learned to snorkel because it was something Sid loved to do, and we wanted to do it together. Every time we cruised, we took a snorkel tour. We held hands underwater, and pointed to the brightly colored fish and sea life, came up for air to talk about what we saw and where we would float off to next. Always together. He waited for me if I needed to come up and take a breath. It was one of the activities we adored sharing. The last time was 2003 at Discovery Cove in Orlando, Florida, which was where we also went swimming with the dolphins.

The thought of snorkeling without him, on my own, was devastating to me. I could not imagine it; I did not want to do it; and I experienced more emotional sadness and depression at that moment than during any of his recent declines in memory and comprehension. I was taken completely off guard by the depth of my reaction.

Yes, sometimes the small snapshots are bigger than the larger picture. Has something small triggered a similar reaction with you? Please share with us on the message boards: Joan’s Blog -  It’s the small things.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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