JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2010 – A SHOCKING REALIZATION FOR ME

Something happened to me recently that sent shock waves through my system. I received an e-mail advertising an AARP 50+ three day Weekend Extravaganza in Orlando, Florida. There are going to be renown speakers on lifestyle, finance, health, and humor – Dave Barry, James Carville, Mary Maitlan, Larry King, and more. There are going to be three nights of Baby Boomer entertainment, including Gladys Knight, Judy Collins, Crosby, Stills, and Nash, Richie Havens, and more. There are day trips to the Orlando area attractions. It sounded like a wonderful experience, and I wanted to go. That is what shocked me. I wanted to go. It never occurred to me to include my husband, soul-mate, and constant companion of 40 years. My first thought was not, “Wow, won’t we have a ball together. Let’s make reservations.” No, my first thought was, “How can I take him? I would not mind pushing him in a wheelchair, if I did not have to be his “mother”  for 3 days; if I did not have to tell him what we were doing, when we were doing it, what was going to happen, explain everything to him, have him forget where we were going, and have to explain it all again, remind him to take his pills, and on and on and on.

I truly was stunned when I realized that I, who had never, for 2/3 of my life, considered going anywhere on vacation without my husband, did not give a second thought about going alone. I knew I would have more fun, relaxation, and enjoyment, if I did not have to worry constantly about taking care of his needs every minute.

Was this an “advancement” for me? Was I “graduating” to a new understanding and acceptance of our AD situation?  Was I putting my baby toe into the “independent waters” that will be my future home and lifestyle? Or was I being a selfish witch, thinking only of myself, and leaving him in the dust?

I am not sure of the answers. The revelation is still so new to me. I honestly cannot figure out if it is good or bad. Maybe a little of both.  For a variety of reasons, I decided not to go with or without him, but the realization of my “alone” thinking is weighing heavily on my mind.

What about you? Have any of you had this type of revelation? How do you feel about it? Please post your comments and opinions on the Message Boards - Joan's Wed. Blog - A Shocking Realization For Me.

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