JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR., JANUARY 19/20, 2011 – SEPARATE LIVES?

Living life as an Alzheimer spouse is difficult on so many levels. Slowly, the old relationship with our spouse disappears. Even when they are still quite functional, as is my husband, there is little to no conversation, “mothering” instead of partnering; teaching, explaining, and directing, instead of collaboration; and endless answering of repetitive questions.

As we struggle to adjust to life as a caregiver rather than a spouse, we are faced with troubling issues. Is it possible to truly accept the loss of a living spouse? Is it possible to perform our duties as caregivers at home and then go out and build a “single” life with new friends and interests? Should we hang onto those emotional ties and attempt to continue as husband/wife relationship, no matter how futile? Can we do both?

This is what I am facing now, and I am having a rough time with it. This most recent vacation (see blog below) made me realize and accept that my marriage and husband as I knew them are gone. It made me realize, that for my own mental health, I need to keep on living. I need go places and enjoy activities that his mental and physical limitations will not allow him to do. He is still totally aware, and would know that I am leaving him home and going off to adventures without him. For that reason, I cannot help but feel as if I would be betraying him by making a life separate from what used to be “ours”. Not to mention that the thought of sightseeing, going to plays, or traveling without him saddens me deeply.

Perhaps, as I questioned above, I can do it all. Perhaps I can be a loving caregiver at home; a “wife” who enjoys activities with Sid and our Alzheimer couples; AND slowly ease my way into new friendships and activities with “single” friends who share my interests that have nothing to do with Alzheimer’s Disease. (Please understand that I am talking about women friends. I am NOT looking for male companionship.)

This is uncharted territory for me. Since the day I met Sid, our lives have been intertwined. We loved each other at first sight (yes there is such a thing); we enjoyed each other’s company for over 3 decades. We were each other’s best friends. Of course we each had our own interests and friends during our marriage, but ultimately, it was always “us”. I expected to have to build a new life without him if he died before me. I never expected to have to do it while he was still alive.

I know many of you have built separate lives when your spouses were in facilities and no longer aware of you and your previous life, but what about those of you whose spouses are still functional and aware?  My husband  possess turtle like processing speed, almost no short term memory, is easily confused, and cannot follow 2-step verbal directions, but he certainly knows where I am every minute of the day, and misses me if we are away from one another for even an hour.

On the other hand, he forgets what either of us did or said within 10 minutes of it occurring, so I imagine he would get over it rather quickly if I went off with new friends for an afternoon. In writing this, I guess I have answered my own question. As long as I am here to attend to his needs, it will not matter to him where else I go or with whom. It is just me who will feel odd making a separate life when I am an Alzheimer widow, but not yet a “real” widow.  

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