JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25, 2010 -SEPARATING HUSBAND BEHAVIOR FROM ALZHEIMER BEHAVIOR 

It did not take me 40 years of marriage to realize that husbands have certain behaviors that are natural to the male species and excruciatingly aggravating to wives. I had it down pat by the first 10 years. This “husband” behavior before AD makes it somewhat difficult to separate it from AD behavior.  In the interest of fairness, I will admit that wives also exhibit behaviors that are akin only to the female of the species, and drive husbands to distraction. Husbands can feel free to respond to this issue from their perspective.

Here are two of the BEFORE AD conditions that cropped up quite early in my household and those of almost every wife I have come in contact with for the last 4 decades. It seems to be universally understood that when wives ask for help around the house, they mean NOW, but are flexible enough to accept TODAY. Husbands, however, seem to think SOMETIME THIS YEAR is perfectly acceptable. The scenario in my house, before AD, was this: If Sid was sitting in his recliner in the den watching TV, and I put a laundry basket full of towels in front of him, asking him politely to please fold them, I can give you 100% assurance that the unfolded towels would still be sitting in that basket the next day, the day after, and every day until I asked again, perhaps not so politely. The answer was always the same, “I’ll get to it. Why does everything have to be done NOW?” The situation was the same for every chore I asked him to do. Finally, after a week or two, he would grumble, complain that I was nagging, couldn’t wait, always needed things done right way, and he would complete the task. This included anything from something as simple as changing a light bulb I could not reach, to as complicated as setting up a piece of electronic equipment (his professional field).

The second "before AD" scenario was this: Having been raised by grandmothers who tripped over themselves waiting on him, as they had done for their husbands and sons, he grew up thinking that waiting on a man was a woman’s natural job. As did many men of his generation. (Oh, the shock the poor man received when he married independent feminist me.) But he always, always asked me to do something for him before he did it for himself. Another ingrained husband behavior.

Fast forward to our life now well into the AD trenches. One day last week, I took two of his shirts out of the dryer as soon as they were done, so they would not wrinkle. I carefully placed them over a chair in the den where he spends 16 hours a day sitting with his booted broken foot elevated. Since I was in the middle of doing other laundry and another three tasks at the same time, I asked him to please hang his shirts up in his closet which was 3 feet away from him – easily navigated with his walker. “Okay, no problem”, he answered cheerfully. The next day, I asked him to PLEASE hang up his shirts. He grumbled, “ Why does it have to be now? I’ll get to it.” For the next two days, I politely asked again. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll do it later.” was the answer. Finally on the 5th day, when I reminded him again, he was apologetic and upset when he answered, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I keep forgetting.” He then ate breakfast, made a salad at my request, and went into the den where the shirts are, to read the paper. He never hung up the shirts.

Now that he has difficulty doing physical AND mental tasks, he immediately asks me to do them for him, just as he expected his grandmothers, and me when were first married, to do, long before AD entered the picture. He almost never tries on his own first. But when I am not here, some of those tasks he does himself just fine, such as remembering on his own to check his glucose levels and warm up his lunch.

Which brings me back to my original query. How much of his forgetfulness and requests for help is Alzheimer’s Disease, and how much is ingrained Pre Alzheimer’s Husband behavior? Everyone is different, but in my house, with my husband, I am convinced that his initial response of “later” to a request for household chore assistance, and his initial expectation for me to figure out everything for him, is ingrained husband behavior. He ALWAYS has and still does say, “Later, when I get to it.” If he does not do it immediately, I am coming to realize that it then becomes true Alzheimer behavior, because he does completely forget.

Before you write to me and tell me to let go of something as idiotic as hanging up shirts, I need to emphasize that in 99% of the cases, I do everything myself, pick up after everything he forgets, say nothing, and let go of all the “small stuff.” It’s easier and more efficient. I only let the shirt incident go five days because I was so busy. I am going to hang them up when I finish this blog.

I am in favor of encouraging those with AD to do as much for themselves as they are able while they are able. The issue of “husband behavior” vs. “Alzheimer behavior” makes determining what they can and should do on their own a bit confusing.

Do any of your spouses exhibit behaviors that cause you to question whether it is Alzheimer related or decades old pre conditioned “spouse” behavior? Husband OR wife behavior. Message Board Topic: Joan's Blog - Husband Behavior vs. AD Behavior

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