JOAN’S BLOG – TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 – A SEISMIC SHIFT

About three weeks ago, an event occurred in my life that was so mind altering, I could actually feel a complete seismic shift in my entire attitude. It totally changed the way I view myself and my new involuntary single life .

Three months before this occurrence, I saw a concert advertised that I desperately wanted to attend. It was in Orlando, which is a two hour ride from where I live. That would mean, besides going to the concert, I would have to get a hotel room, because there was no way I could drive that distance late at night in the pitch black darkness. I can barely drive down the street in the dark. I was so excited about getting the opportunity to see Blake Shelton perform, as I am a huge fan. Unfortunately, none of my friends shared my enthusiasm, and I was met with a chorus of resounding “NO’s” from whomever I asked. I was so disappointed because it was unlikely that his tour would be that close again. I searched and searched the database in my head for someone who would consider going with me, and came up empty.

When I mentioned it to my sister and my son, they both told me to go by myself. What? I have never gone to a concert in my life by myself. One does not go to a concert by one’s self. The daytime drive to Orlando did not bother me, as I have done it many times. Staying in a hotel by myself did not bother me. I have done that many times. But going to a concert alone?  No, that is not something people do. Concert attendance is for couples, friends, and groups, not singles. Sid and I attended countless concerts during our years together. We went to concerts we both wanted to see. I went to concerts I did not want to see to please him, and he went to concerts he did not want to see to please me. We went with each other and we went with friends. We enjoyed most of the concerts, walked out on a few of them, and saw some singers multiple times. But we certainly never went alone. What fun would that be?

As the weeks went by, I felt more and more disappointed. I wanted to see Blake Shelton, and I was very upset that I could not go. Then it happened. The seismic shift in attitude was so intense, I could feel the earth move under my feet.  Suddenly I said to myself – I want to go to this concert. I want to go. ME. What do I mean – I can’t go? Why should it matter to me that other people do not want to go? Why should what I want to do depend upon what someone else does or does not want to do? Why should I be denied the opportunity to see a concert I want to see just because someone else did not want to see it?  It was at that moment that I truly started my new single life. It was okay for me to attend an event because it was what I WANTED TO DO, and since my husband was no longer able to participate in this part of my life, what I wanted to do was really all that mattered.

Instead of being happy that I was moving forward with my life, I was sad and angry that he was being left behind. No matter how I viewed the situation, it was not fair that my beloved husband of 44 years was sinking deeper into Alzheimer’s Disease, and I was moving forward without him.

However, the sadness and anger did not stop me. I bought myself a ticket, booked a hotel room, and went to Orlando. By myself. I enjoyed every minute of the 4 hour show, which included two opening acts and a talented emcee who played his own music in between acts. After two hours of foot stomping, rollicking music, Blake Shelton came on stage and performed by himself for two straight hours. I was in Heaven. Literally, as the only ticket I could get at that late date was a resale so high up in the rafters, I was dizzy.

When it was over, I will admit that I felt lonely leaving the arena by myself. I did not like getting into the car and driving back to the hotel alone. Yes, I absolutely would prefer to go to a concert with my husband. Since that is no longer possible, and will never be again, I would prefer to go with a friend, but I can assure you that being alone will never again stop me from going to a concert I want to attend.

What my solitary concert experience taught me was that I am, although not technically a widow, a single woman who is in charge of her own destiny. I do not need to depend upon others to be happy. I can and will enjoy myself on my own terms. This was not an easy, quick realization. It took years, so if any of you are trying to reinvent your lives as a single, do not expect it to happen overnight. As with everything related to learning to live with Alzheimer’s Disease, it will happen on your own timetable in your own way. I also learned that, for my own mental health, I NEED to find enjoyable activities to take me away from the illness, depression, and near death of the nursing home in which my husband has been sentenced to live by the Alzheimer Devil.

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