JOAN’S BLOG – THURS/FRI, JULY 23/24, 2009 – RICHARD TAYLOR EXPLAINS THE AD ANGER

As we go through the journey of caring for a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease, we learn that it is full of surprises, ups and downs, roller coaster rides, and stress beyond human endurance. The #1 unexpected symptom of the disease that was the most difficult for me to deal with emotionally and physically, the one symptom that literally broke me, was the rage and anger my husband directed straight at me. It was unrelenting, vicious, public, private, and terrifying. There were insults, taunts, screaming rages. Suddenly the man who had adored me for over 35 years, looked at me with eyes that burned of hatred. It was the most devastating, painful, and debilitating experience I have ever endured. The experts explained that it was caused by the brain damage inflicted by Alzheimer's Disease. They told me to ignore it; it was the “disease” talking. Anyone who has been through this torture knows that advice doesn’t cut it.

Then yesterday, I received Richard Taylor’s monthly newsletter. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Richard – He is a psychologist who was diagnosed with AD about 7 years ago, is the author of Alzheimer’s Disease From the Inside Out, and continues to speak around the country about what it is like to live with Alzheimer’s Disease.

Nothing any doctor, social worker, or reference book has ever told me can compare with the compelling, enlightening words of Dr. Taylor as he answers another AD patient, who asked him about the Alzheimer Rage:

“Yes, I was angry when I wrote the book (the first three years after I was diagnosed). Anger is a very strong emotion and it is usually focused on a real or imagined grievance. I was mostly angry at and with my spouse, unfortunately for her and for me. It didn't do much good being angry at God, or Dr. Alzheimer's, or my Doctors. They never answered me!

  I knew I was angry, I most always felt angry. Whenever I acted out of anger and became angry at someone or thing I frequently acted and felt more angry than was appropriate or indeed as angry as I would have been pre diagnosis.

Yes, I was mad at the diagnosis, with the diagnosis, and because I was diagnosed with dementia, probably of the Alzheimer's type.

  The anger was, and to a much lesser extent still is fueled by my fears: Fears of today and tomorrow. Fears of losing control. Fears of losing myself. Fears of being a burden to others I love.

  It was the disease talking when I became so angry with my spouse for saying or doing something that had nothing to do with my diagnosis. But, the talk was coming out of my  mouth. It was me talking! It is understandable why others returned my anger with their own anger.

  I'm not as mad as I was. I have come to some peace, most times, with the fact of my diagnosis and the inevitable progression of my symptoms. I still don't like it, but I'm not so angry about it. This change has greatly improved my relationship with others, especially my spouse.

  I don't have a formula to defuse anger. I was in therapy for a year to help me deal with my anger, and it is working for me (sort of, and most of the time). What I discovered in my therapy was that much of my anger came from an irrational belief that everyone I loved should respond to my diagnosis exactly as I believed I would respond to them if they were diagnosed.

  Everyone has to decide for themselves how to deal with their anger. And, in the interests of living a full and most times enjoyable life post diagnosis, the need to learn and practice anger management/understanding seems to come with the diagnosis. You have my best wishes on your journey to manage your anger. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it’s not good that we are where we are between our ears, but here we are nonetheless.

  Manage it, or it will manage and eventually consume you and your positive relationships with others.” 

If anyone’s spouse is capable of discussing this issue with them, I would love to hear if they agree with Richard. What do you think about it?

For me, it doesn’t remove the emotional pain I have suffered, but it gives me a small measure of peace to at least hear it explained from one who knows.

Message Board Topic: Alzheimer Rage Explained

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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