JOAN’S BLOG – TUES/WED., MARCH 13/14, 2012 – RESENTMENT AND SADNESS

When writing a blog, I try to narrowly focus on only one subject at a time. This week, however, I have been struggling with two conflicting emotions that I feel need discussing. Resentment and deep sadness.

One would think that if I were feeling resentment, which is a negative, angry emotion, I could not experience sadness at the same time, but I am.

As my husband’s physical disabilities worsen, I am called upon to do more hands-on caregiving. Lifting the wheelchair in and out of the car; pushing him in the wheelchair; pushing him to the bathroom in public places; never sitting through an entire meal, TV program, or concert without having to get up and get something for him; helping him in and out of his upper body clothing; massaging cream into his feet; picking clothes up off the bathroom floor because he cannot bend down. The time is coming soon when I will have to undress, shower, and dress him.

The worsening of his mental disabilities also requires more hands on caregiving. He cannot remember which pills to take when, so I am the 24/7 on-call pill dispenser. He surprised me yesterday by informing me that he had an accident during the day, but did not remember when or if he changed. He was totally mixed up, which means I now have to monitor and fix that situation when it occurs.

As a new mother, I was surprised, but learned quickly that there are good reasons for keeping in shape and never leaving the house with your baby, unless you are fully equipped with a bag full of food, wipes, diapers, cream, and extra clothes. Learning to close, open, and lift a baby carriage are reasons enough to keep strong and healthy.

Little did I expect that at age 63, I would be doing the same for my 69 year old husband as I had done for my toddler when I was 25.  (Wheelchair instead of baby carriage) I am too old, too tired, and have too little life left to be doing this now.   

Please understand, I am not an uncaring witch. If this were a temporary condition , i.e., broken leg or surgery recovery, I would accept the extra work without complaint. There is, however, no end in sight, and I find myself resenting the situation more and more.

But then there is the sadness. As much as I resent all the extra work, and the even more extra work that is coming, I look at this man who can barely get up from a chair; can barely walk; is perpetually confused; cannot remember anything from 5 seconds to the next; does not know his own phone number; cannot figure out the Netflix remote, and I am overwhelmed with sadness. The brick wall I have built around my heart to protect me from the Alzheimer heartbreak, is cracking as I remember the tall, strong man who was the “go to” electronics guy. Every friend and relative who bought a new electronic gadget called Sid to explain, fix, install, and troubleshoot it. I remember the man who knew every stock number of every piece of merchandise in the Radio Shack stores he managed for over 20 years. I remember the man who lifted the suitcases, climbed the ladders, and hauled the merchandise cartons. I remember the passion. I remember it all, and my heart is weeping with sadness at the losses he has suffered.

Resentment and sadness. Conflicting emotions, but Alzheimer’s Disease is bringing forth both of them in me. Both at the same time. I cannot help how I feel.

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