JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE, MARCH 22/23, 2010 – REDUCING EXPECTATIONS

With the help and advice from you, my social workers, and my support group friends, I have weathered (not always very well) my husband’s Alzheimer’s Disease induced personality changes, impulse control issues, violent rages over being forced to give up driving, confusion, short term memory loss, some long term memory loss, anger, temper tantrums, and blank looks, to name but a few.  I am worn out from all of it. Absolutely frazzled, exhausted, and bone weary. And now, I am being told to reduce my expectations pertaining to the household assistance he can provide for me.

Expect nothing and you will not be disappointed, I am told. Just because he used to be able to move and lift boxes, organize medical receipts, and remember a two-step direction, does not mean he can do so now. Do not frustrate him or yourself by asking him for help, I am told. Do it yourself. I have heard you, and I have followed your advice in most cases, but sometimes we just do not know what skills they have lost until we give them a project to do. That is when we are once again hit in the gut emotionally. Last week provided such an example.

My cousin is my accountant, and he is not the most patient of souls. He has been on my case since January to compile the paperwork so he can do our taxes. As you can imagine, with Sid’s constant medical appointments, my out-of-state family problems, Sid’s declines, and my website business, I have been a little busy. In order to speed up the process, I gave Sid a simple project to complete, one he has done many times, and as recently as last year, had no problem doing. I gave him a box (Yes, I realize my filing system isn’t the best) with prescription receipts. I asked him to separate them into 2009 and 2010, to add up the 2009 ones, and to ignore any other papers in the box. I left a calculator with him. I gave him these directions one at a time, repeated them, and asked him to repeat them, which he did correctly.

I came back an hour later to a very angry, confused, and upset husband. He accused me of not telling him what to do with the “other” papers in the box; he said that the 2009 and 2010 receipts were all mixed together, and what did I expect him to do? He said I told him all of it an hour ago, and how was he supposed to remember it. He was visibly upset with himself for not remembering or understanding what to do. I apologized for not writing down the instructions; wrote 3 simple directions, numbered 1, 2, and 3, on a piece of paper, and handed it to him. He was then able to complete the task.

As I left him with the directions, my stomach turned over and sank. Not because I was angry with him, but because I was devastated to witness such a steep decline from last year. It hurt me deeply to see HIM realize that another piece of his ability was gone. The sadness I felt was so strong, it was as if a hand was pushing on my shoulder, pushing me further into a hole of sorrow in the ground.

Yes, I have once again lowered my expectations of what he is able to do, but we are both paying a hefty price for it. The heavy sadness is now enveloping both of us.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com 

©Copyright 2010 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2010 All Rights Reserved                                   
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved