JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – JANUARY 30/31, 2010 – THE REBELLIOUS SPOUSE; NOT HIM - ME

Two weeks ago, I wrote about filling out one of those e-mails that ask questions about your life, which prompted me to write the blog “Life in Limbo”. I really need to stop filling out those e-mails. The latest came on Saturday morning – a test that supposedly determines your personality. The instructions were to answer as we are NOW, not how we used to be. Right away, I knew I was in trouble. Here is what my score said about me - “Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.  They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.  It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. Well, based on the results, I certainly would not want to hang around with a boring fussbudget like myself.

Because I followed the directions (What else would you expect from a “careful, slow, steady plodder?), and answered based on how I am NOW, that test saw the spousal caregiver, the educator, the advocate, the careful planner. What it did NOT see is the rebellious, fun loving, ready for adventure “me” , who is INSIDE the conscientious caregiver. The caregiver “me” has responsibilities, and not only is required to fulfill the needs of her Alzheimer’s Diseased husband, but desires to be with him and do the best for him. 

But the rebel is in there. Yes, she is. The same rebel, who during her college years, played what she and her roommate called the “cloak and dagger” game. We covered for each other with our parents when one or the other took off out of state to adventures with young men. The same rebel who danced the night away until 4 AM on a Puerto Rican beach nightclub  during Spring Break 1968. The same rebel who – let’s just say it involved a motorcycle, late night, and a lake.

Oh, obviously at the age of 61, I do not have the same reckless desires as when I was 20, but I would love to do something impulsive. Take off for a weekend to Las Vegas; ride on the back of a motorcycle; learn to dance something other than the square step waltz; do a Forest Gump and walk away on an adventure.

Alzheimer’s Disease is preventing us from taking off on spur of the moment adventures together, and it is preventing me from doing so by myself. But just as I wish that others could see the man beneath the AD confusion and forgetfulness, I wish they could see the joyous rebel buried beneath my own caregiving face. “Painstaking and fussy” – HRUMPH!

What about you? Is there an adventurer inside your caregiving persona? MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Joan's Weekend Blog - A Rebellious Spouse

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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