JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – MARCH 25/26, 2011 – ARGUING, EXPLAINING, AND REASONING, - A PRIMER FOR NEWBIES; A REFRESHER FOR VETERANS

I have been noticing lately that one of the primary laments of some of our new members is the frustration of trying to ‘explain the rational’ to their Alzheimer Diseased Spouses. We have all been through this, including me.

Some familiar scenarios:

No matter how many times I explain what needs to be done about the taxes, he insists he knows how to do it, but he never does it. The next week, he screams at me because it isn’t done, and I have to explain it all over again. This has been going on for a year.

He SAID he was going to fix the washing machine, but he made it worse, and no matter how many times I tried to explain to him that I needed to call a repairman, he insisted he was going to fix it again.

I tried to explain to him why he needed to take his blood glucose levels 3 times a day, but he refused to do it. No matter how much I argued with him, I got nowhere.

He insists that being allowed to drive is a good method for keeping his brain active. I tried to explain how his memory affects his driving – that he doesn’t remember to signal or look before he changes lanes; that he may have an accident; that he may get lost. Nothing makes any difference – he argues and argues and argues with me that he won’t forget and that if he has an accident, it will only be a fender bender.

In most cases, we have lived with our spouses for decades. We have “argued reasonably”, which means that we have been able to each present our cases with back up facts, and most likely have been able to resolve our differences based upon those facts. If a wife insists that a particular stock is a good investment, and her husband shows her a history of similar stocks that have done very poorly, her reasonable mind will see his logic, and she will agree not to buy the stock. This is what occurs when both brains are functioning normally.

When Alzheimer’s Disease first takes over our spouses’ brains, we continue to expect both of us to function and respond as we always have. We expect our spouses to understand our arguments and explanations, and we expect them to respond as their Pre-Alzheimer selves. We expect reason and logic from them. We are shocked, angered, and frustrated when neither occurs. Yet we keep trying, with the same aggravating results – a spouse who, no matter how much we explain and reason – ignores all of the facts and insists his/her way is the right way. If they insist the sky is GREEN, and we SHOW them that it is BLUE, they will somehow rationalize, in their AD mind, that it is GREEN.

As stubborn as they seem to us, the fact is that we are just as stubborn. No matter how many times we are told by social workers, neurologists, support group friends, and psychiatrists, that AD has permanently broken their reasoning button, many of us continue to expect our spouses to behave and respond to us as they did Pre-AD. We seem unable to understand why they cannot see reason and logic.

In general, if math and science is not involved, I consider myself a fairly quick study. Not in the case of Alzheimer’s Disease. It took me YEARS to finally “get” it – his reasoning button was broken, and if I continued to expect it to work, I was going to stress myself into the grave.

So my advice today to all of our frustrated and angry new members is to “let it go”. Stop trying to reason and explain information logically to your spouses. In important matters, such as home repairs, taxes, and finances, Do NOT TELL THEM about any of it. Quietly handle it yourself. Yes, of course, it is emotionally painful to accept that you no longer have a partner to help you with these matters, but you need to do it for your own sanity. It saddens and depresses me every time I have to make a major decision without the advice and counsel of my husband, but for my own sanity, I do it.

Even more important for your well being is the “small stuff”. If your spouse insists it is Tuesday, when it is Wednesday, who cares? Let it go. Don’t argue about it. If your spouse insists he/she was the high school star athlete, and you know it to be false, who cares? Why waste your precious energy and mental health arguing about it?

My main purpose in writing this blog is to help others avoid the unrelenting stress, anxiety attacks, and emotional upheaval I endured until I finally learned to stop arguing and explaining, and to handle all important matters by myself. I am not saying that I like it; just that I have accepted it. With that acceptance comes stress reduction for both of you.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's Weekend Blog - Arguing, Explaining, and Reasoning

©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2011 All Rights Reserved
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