JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, OCTOBER 13/14, 2010 – POSITIVE VS NEGATIVE

Recently, I was taken to task by someone who interpreted my attempts at a positive attitude as annoying and preachy. God knows, Pollyanna I am not, but I was handed what seems like a life sentence in Purgatory. I did my share of crying, stressing, screaming, and fighting it, and I will do more in the future.  Although there is an end to this Alzheimer “sentence”, the date is not fixed. This could go on for a year, 5 years, 10 or 20 years. I am not 30 years old. I do not have another 50 years of life ahead of me; I have to make the best of what I have left, which at 62 years of age, is probably not much more than 20 years. A scary thought.  I could spend those 20 or so years railing at the world for my unfortunate situation, or I could try to make the best of a bad situation. My decision was to TRY to make the best of it that I possibly can.

This does not mean that I do not have my rough days and weeks when I give in to depression, sadness, and anger. Of course I do. (See the blog below on anger) But for the most part, I try to focus and expand on the positive.  This is how I look at my balance sheet:

The negatives are obvious and lengthy. My husband has Alzheimer’s Disease, which has changed his personality and abilities so drastically that he barely retains any qualities I fell in love with. We can no longer share or make memories; we can no longer have meaningful conversation; we can no longer engage in activities as husband and wife. We are more like parent and child. I tell him what to do and when to do it. He sometimes complies, sometimes rebels. I watch enviously as other couples share talk, laughter, ideas, thoughts, and memories. I watch enviously as other couples travel the world as partners, enjoying and remembering their adventures. Am I going to spend the rest of our lives together focusing on these negatives, thus destroying any chance I have at experiencing pleasure in life? No. Instead I choose to attempt to enjoy the positives, however different they may be from how I envisioned this part of my life.

The positives in my life are many and varied. My husband has a social group, an anomaly among those with Alzheimer’s Disease. He has a group of Alzheimer buddies with whom he gets together once week for games; once a month for a supervised trip; twice a month for lunch; and intermittently when we wives arrange it. Together, we have a social group of Alzheimer friends with whom we travel, dine, go to movies and the theater, get together at each other’s homes. Again, an anomaly among couples when one has Alzheimer’s Disease.

This dreadful disease has opened up doors for me in writing, speaking, traveling, advocating, and meeting an array of exciting, interesting people. Conferences, the Caregiver Cruises, being a delegate to the Washington DC forum, “meeting” all of you – none of this would have entered my life if not for my husband’s Alzheimer’s Disease. No, I am not grateful he got the disease. I would have preferred another less destructive way of enriching my life, but this is what was dealt to me, and I have tried to embrace the positives as much as possible.

There is no doubt that Alzheimer’s Disease and its negatives will continue to impact my life. I will suffer more emotional pain and losses as the time passes. I am not finished crying, but I cannot cry constantly. So I try to focus on the positive. Sometimes I fail; sometimes I succeed.  

 Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2010 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2010 All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved