JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2, 2014- IN OUR OWN WAY

In my last blog (see below), I discussed the issue of husbands and wives joining the world on their own timetable after placing their spouses in long term care facilities. We each handle this separation from our life partners in a different manner, and our re-emergence into the real world must be undertaken when we, not others, feel we are ready.

Part two of our transformation from full time Alzheimer spousal caregiver to a “single” person trying to live a new life must not only be done on our own timetable, but IN OUR OWN WAY. This applies to everyone on this journey, whether you are attempting to find activities away from caregiving, trying to forge a single life for yourself, while you live apart from your spouse, who may or may not even remember who you are, or are an Alzheimer widow/widower.

No matter how similar our Alzheimer journey, each and every one of us has different life circumstances, families, friends, non-friends, interests, abilities, and personalities. For this reason, we will each approach forging a new life differently. Although I thought I possessed more self-awareness than the average person, and thus, when I was ready, would be able to find friends and activities to easily fill my new life, I have been proven oh, so wrong. It is far more difficult for me to “rejoin the non-Alzheimer world” than I ever imagined.

Since the only interest I shared with many of the wives, now widows, from our Alzheimer support group was Alzheimer’s Disease, I am faced with finding a new set of friends with whom I share common interests. Since I do not live in an “over 55” active adult community, I do not have the choices of clubs to join that target every possible interest to which these communities cater, from travel, entertainment, cards, Mah Jong, investments, books, computers, crafts. If you can think of it, there is a club for it. However, if you do not live in one of those developments, you are excluded from being a part of any of it. (No, it is not financially possible for me to move to one of those places, so that is off of the table as an option)

I have received well meaning and appreciated suggestions as to how to rejoin the world and make friends from EVERYONE. What I have discovered, after listing all of the options from - join a Mah jong group, volunteer at an Alzheimer’s facility, start a face-to-face “spouses in facilities” support group, join my religious organization, find a knitting group to join, put an ad on Craigslist for people who share my interests, get a part time job, join a book club, check out the weekend festivals and go to one each week. is that, just as coming out of hibernation “on my own timetable”, I must forge a new life “in my own way”. In a way that works for ME, just as whatever you choose to do must work for YOU.

A friend of mine traveled the Alzheimer journey at a much faster rate than me. From diagnosis to the death of her husband was about 3 years. She has done everything completely opposite from me. While I stayed home, hibernated, rested, lost myself in computer games, and eventually re-emerged with a desire to join the world, she ran and ran and ran. From the time her husband died, 9 months ago, she has traveled thousands of miles to visit friends and relatives, had a variety of friends staying with her at her house, traveled back to her Northern roots, bought a house up there, traveled some more, took a cruise, and rarely stays in the house for more than showering and sleeping. She belongs to two bridge groups, a church group, and never stops going.

Her way is not my way, but it seems to be working for her. My way is not her way, but it is what is comfortable for me. I joined a gym so I would have someplace to go in the morning and be with people. Since in today’s world, most people go to the gym with earbuds stuck in their ears listening to music while they work out, it has not turned out to be a place of socialization for me, but it keeps me active.

I have given very careful thought to my own personality and interests, and know that I cannot run around trying to “join” groups, even if I could find ones that are not in closed communities. I must take it slow. One step at a time; one activity at a time. That is my way.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that for now, my best option to get involved in a cause that interests me, meet and talk to interesting people, and perhaps make a difference in my corner of the world, is to join the campaign of my local congressman. I have met him, spoken at one of his events, and thoroughly believe in him, so I think this will be a good fit for me.

Re-inventing one’s life as a single person after having lived as a “couple” for so many decades is emotionally painful and difficult, but it must be done in your OWN way, on your OWN timetable. You can take the suggestions of others, but deep soul searching is needed in order to find what fits you and you alone.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's Blog - In our own way

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2014Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2014All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

CUSTOM DESIGNED SCARVES AND MORE

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved