JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2013 - OVERDOSING ON FREEDOM

While you are in the deepest trenches of spousal caregiving – wheelchair pushing, lifting, and pulling, dressing, changing, cleaning up accidents – doing so much by yourself that you feel buried under the burden, do you ever wonder what you would do if the daily caregiving chores stopped? When my husband was at home, my biggest desire was to be able to lie down to rest my back and not be called from the den to adjust the remote, bring food or drink, change wet clothes, answer the same question ten times, and on and on and on. Occasionally, when I had the time to think, I would imagine that it would be nice to take off for a weekend by myself. It didn’t matter where. Just as long as I was alone and did not have to wait on anyone.

On Friday, it will be 3 months since I placed my husband into a nursing home. It has been an overwhelmingly difficult emotional transition for me. I went from sleeping and sobbing, to being barely functional, to taking baby steps toward resuming some kind of life as a single. While I am trying to find activities and friends that fit into my new life, I seem to be overdosing on my freedom from caregiving. Never in my entire life have I been able to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, answering to no one. First, I was a child in my parents’ home, having to adhere to their rules and schedules for me. When I was in college, although afforded freedom I did not have at home, I still had demanding course deadlines and curfews ( yes, I went to college in the days of curfews for students). When I got married, my life revolved around being a “couple”. Everything was discussed and compromised and done together. As a mother, my child’s needs always came first. My husband and I had a good life together – I am not complaining; I am just stating facts.

Now when I return from my visits to Sid in the nursing home, I open the door, come into the house, and the time is MINE. I am like a rebellious child. I am able to lie down and rest my back without jumping up to meet someone else’s needs. Sometimes for hours. If I do not feel like eating what the AL delivers for supper, I will cut up an apple, drop a dollop of peanut butter next to it, and use the apple slices to scoop and eat the peanut butter. There is no one to tell me that it is not a proper supper and to eat a well balanced meal. I have even been known to drink milk straight from the bottle in the refrigerator. If I get involved in a book or computer game until 1 o’clock in the morning, there is no one to tell me I have to go to sleep.

On days when I do not visit Sid, if I do not feel like getting dressed and going out, I do not. I stay home in a comfy nightshirt and play computer games all day. So far, I have taken two of those “weekend getaways” to which I referred in the opening paragraph. Both times, I was not alone. I stayed with my oldest and dearest friend, a two hour drive from here. Much to my surprise and relief, my depression lifted a bit, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. On the other hand, there are days when I work on this website or Etsy for the entire day.

I am discovering that experimenting with my new found freedom is part of the process of healing; part of finding out who I am and what I want out of this new life into which I have been involuntarily thrust. It will take as long as it takes for me to adjust to having only myself to care for at home. Eventually, I am sure, I will no longer go to extremes in doing “what I want when I want”. I will get used to caring for and doing just for myself when I am home. Just because I CAN eat cold pizza for breakfast or stay in bed all day, or stay up half the night, does not mean that I HAVE to.

What do you think you would do if you were relieved of daily caregiving? What have you done when you were relieved of caregiving duty?

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