JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY/TUE.,FEBRUARY 6/7, 2012 – OPPOSITE SEX COMPANIONSHIP?

In the last blog, I discussed my plight of being a “single” woman, a “widow” of sorts, with a living Alzheimer Diseased husband (see below). I focused solely on making friends with other women, and fitting in with the “single women” crowd. In this blog, I will discuss making more than “friends” with the opposite sex.

One of the most important lessons I have learned on my Alzheimer journey is that our wants, needs, thoughts, and opinions are in constant flux as we navigate along the winding, ascending and descending path to the end of Alzheimer’s Disease. What you feel and want at the beginning of the journey may differ greatly from what you feel and want in the middle and towards the end.

For me, in the beginning, all I wanted was for my husband to return to who he was. I thought I could handle the forgetfulness, but I wanted the irrationality, lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums to stop. I wanted my husband back. I was not interested in seeking single female companionship; I certainly was not interested in male companionship. I had been happy with the man who had been my best friend for 35 years, and I was determined to bring him back. It took 6 years, but I finally gave up on that idea when I accepted that Alzheimer’s Disease had taken him away forever.  

Now we are in what could be labeled the “middle” of the journey. The husband I knew is emotionally and mentally a child. We are no longer able to relate on a husband/wife level. It is more of a mother/child; patient/caregiver role. I hate it, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I have been trying to make a “side” life for myself away from Alzheimer’s Disease with single women friends. Although I am desperate for interesting, adult conversation; for adult male attention, rather than the childlike dependence I receive from my husband, I would never consider looking for a male friend. To me, at this stage of the journey, it would feel disloyal, disrespectful, and cruel to the man who still knows me and loves me. I could not do it.

I feel differently in this middle than I did in the beginning. When this started, I never thought I would accept the loss of my husband. Never.  But I did. I never thought I would get used to speaking in terms of “I” instead of “we”, but I did. I never thought I would lose the intense physical attraction I had for my husband, but incontinence, childlike behavior, childlike dependence, and an inability to relate on an adult male/female level, took their toll.
 
So as we descend further into the disease, I cannot know how I will feel towards the end. At this moment, I cannot imagine developing a new relationship with the opposite sex as Barry Peterson did when he placed his wife in an Alzheimer facility. But if, further down the road, my husband does not know me; if he is fully enveloped in Alzheimer Hell; if he is in a facility; and I am alone and lonely………………..I do not know what I will want or how I will feel. 

Given the length and complexity of the Alzheimer Journey, the reality is, as I stated in the beginning, that our feelings will continually change. I think that is natural, and we should recognize and accept it.

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