JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, JANUARY 7, 2013 – ON MY OWN

Since my husband has had Alzheimer’s Disease, at the beginning of each new year, I resolve to do something different in relation to his care. In previous years, I have resolved to be more patient, to expect nothing from him that he can no longer provide, such as making decisions, answering open ended questions, recalling a conversation from an hour ago. I have been somewhat successful in some of my resolutions, and have failed at others. In any case, I have kept trying.

I have spent the last 10 years trying to accept that the husband I knew is never returning. Alzheimer’s Disease took him, and what Alzheimer’s Disease takes, it does not give back. I have spent all of that time worrying about his mental and physical declines; tolerating his mood swings, temper tantrums, rages, irrationality, lack of judgment and reasoning. I have learned how to live with and care for a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease – that one never argues with them, as their reasoning is gone; that I must not expect assistance with life and home decisions; that I must do the heavy lifting; that I must do the driving, phone calling, appointment scheduling; that I must handle the legal and financial matters; that I must never expect reasonable conversation; that I must never expect him to remember anything; that I must expect nothing from him; that everything is about HIM, and I must distract and divert his attention from anything that upsets him; that I must kill the bugs by myself.

This year is different. For the first time since this horrific Alzheimer journey began, I am no longer focusing on what mental or physical “cliff” he will fall from. He is going to continue to decline, and there is nothing I can do about it. Instead, this year I am focusing on ME, and what I need to begin a new life as a “single”. I never thought I would be emotionally ready to venture out to develop a life separate from my husband while he was still alive, but it is time. My time.

I have learned everything I was supposed to learn about living with Alzheimer’s Disease. I have done everything I could possibly do to make my husband’s life smooth and pleasant, given the circumstances. It is time for me to get out of this Alzheimer riptide before it pulls me down and sucks the life out of me.

Small steps. I can only take small steps. This year I plan to attend a few activities- afternoon matinees, luncheons, shopping trips – with some new single friends, because as difficult as it is to say – I am in the single column now. It may not sound like much, but given that I have loved every minute of my “couple” life with Sid, and it is a huge emotional step for me to venture out on my own, this is enough for me for now.

That is not to say I no longer love my husband or miss who he was. There are days when I miss him so much, I can barely breathe. There are days when I want to reach out to the man who is sleeping beside me, wake him up, and joke, talk, and make love the way we used to for so many years. That is no longer possible; I know it, and it never ceases to break my heart.

To those of you who are at the beginning of this journey, the steps I am taking will seem inconceivable to you. I can assure you that they seemed so to me for the last 10 years. We call this a journey because that is what it is. A journey of learning, changing, evolving. We start out learning about the disease and what we will be facing. Although we fight the changes, we do learn to live with how the disease alters our marriages, our spouse, and ourselves. We come to forks in the road, and we all take different paths. There is no right or wrong path. There is only what is right for each of us at any given time. It is my time to begin to live a small part of my life as a “single”.

I hope this helps those of you who are facing your own forks in the road on the Alzheimer journey.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2010 All Rights Reserved
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