JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, JANUARY 21, 2011 – AN OFFER I COULDN’T REFUSE……BUT DID

Last week, in planning my shoulder surgery and my sister’s trip to care for me, she facetiously  suggested that, instead of her coming to me, that I have travel to Chicago, let her orthopedic perform my surgery, and stay with her during the 6 weeks my arm needed to be immobilized. She would take care of me , and she would hire someone to live in my house and take care of Sid. The suggestion was, of course, in jest. Or was it? The seed was planted, and I started to daydream around it.

Wow, I thought to myself.  Although enticing, it was not so much the idea of someone taking care of me for a change that was so tempting – it was the idea of FREEDOM that caught my imagination. Freedom from crushing responsibilities; freedom from having to do everything all of the time; freedom from driving everywhere; freedom from answering repetitive questions; freedom from explaining every sentence that came out of my mouth; freedom from the world of Alzheimer’s Disease.

There was a time not so long ago that the thought of being away from Sid for even one day was inconceivable. I would miss him too much. I would miss “us” too much. Yes, even for a day. That’s the way it was with us before Alzheimer’s Disease. But now I wondered if I would miss him if I were away from him for 6 weeks. Ironically, I have been missing him, the Sid I used to know, for the last 4 years. But how would I feel being away from the Alzheimer’s Sid for 6 weeks? Sadly, all I could think of was being free from caregiving.

So I daydreamed for awhile. I dreamed of spending days with my sister’s hyperactive, funny, crazy Labrador Retriever, Rufus. I dreamed of seeing my great niece weekly, instead of once a year. I dreamed of being present for the birth of my new great nephew. I dreamed of days of reading and being surrounded by boisterous family, albeit in weather far colder than I am used to.

I have to say that it was an enjoyable escape to daydream of the land of the free for a bit, but eventually I jolted myself back to reality. If Sid were unaware of his surroundings and did not know me, I probably would have taken my sister up on her offer (if she was serious). He would not have known the difference. But he is functional,  aware, and thankfully, still knows who I am. He loves me. He tells me so every day. I need to think about spending as much time as possible with him while he still does know and care about me. There will be plenty of time later on for me to take time away from caregiving when he is totally enveloped in the fog of Alzheimer’s Disease.

Ah, but I do admit, it was fun to daydream for short time.

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