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JOAN’S BLOG – THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2011 – AN ODD TRIGGER FOR SADNESS

My resolve to not dwell on the retirement life we could have lived if Alzheimer’s Disease had not robbed us of it is fairly strong. Most of the time I try to be thankful for the 35 good years before Alzheimer’s Disease invaded and occupied our lives. Most of the time, I make valiant attempts at not dwelling on the relationship losses we have discussed on this site many times – friendship, passion, intimacy, companionship. I am not always successful, but I try to store those memories in a file cabinet in the back of my brain.

Sometimes, however, the smallest incident or remark shakes that file cabinet open, spilling out the memories and regrets. This is what happened Wednesday night in the oddest way. I was watching the new comedy, Last Man Standing, staring Tim Allen and Nancy Travis, a middle aged couple (she looks pretty darn good for “middle aged”), who are raising 3 teenage daughters, and helping the oldest daughter raise her 2 year old son, who was accidentally conceived on prom night.  

In this episode, the wife was depressed at getting older and being a grandmother. She mentioned to her husband that she would feel younger if she had another baby – She said that she felt young, vibrant, and glowing when she had her babies. Her husband reminded her that she was sleep deprived, cranky, and wore spit-up all of the time. That was the first twinge I felt. HE had stored all of those memories, and could share them with her. Alzheimer’s Disease has taken away my husband’s memory of how many pregnancies I had (see blog below – A Lifetime Lost), never mind how I felt as a new mother. I know it is just a TV show, but there is something in the chemistry between the two actors that makes you believe they have had a long, caring, life together. A life I once had with my husband.

At the end of the show, in order to make her feel better, he suggested they go out to dinner, dancing, and stay up all night partying. She said that sounded great, but how about getting into bed with their books and cereal instead. He was relieved, and ran to get the “fiber” cereal they both liked. That scene elicited more than a twinge. It was a full blown stab in the heart. The camaraderie, friendship, love, and intimacy of knowing each other so well, of sharing the simple experience of merely being together, and remembering what each other enjoyed, left me with longing and melancholy.  I missed those times with my husband so desperately, I felt sick.

The husband of whom I speak, was watching the show with me, asking what stupid show this was, and telling me he did not think it was funny. He had forgotten we had watched it the week before. Just as he has forgotten almost every experience we have shared.

This Alzheimer journey is not getting any easier.

MESSAGE BOARD: Joan's Blog - An Odd Trigger for Sadness

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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