JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2013 – “I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY”

                                                                                                                            
When I had to place my husband into a nursing home 6 weeks ago, I was such an emotional wreck that I did something I rarely do. I posted the news on Facebook, simply because I was in no condition to call everyone I knew to tell them individually. That first evening, my phone rang all night long from close friends from Massachusetts, where we had lived for 35 years prior to moving to Florida in 2006, calling to find out how I was. They did not hear much from my end except sobbing, but they kept calling for weeks, allowing me to talk and cry, until they felt that I was getting strong enough to spend an evening or two or three without constant contact. I felt like the luckiest person on earth to have such caring friends.

Certainly, I did not expect to hear from everyone I ever knew. But there were a few close friends whose silence bewildered and somewhat disappointed me. No, the world does not revolve around me and my problems, but if something as tragic as having to place a spouse in a nursing home had happened to them, I would have called them in a split second. Oh, well, I reasoned, I am not going to dwell on it. The next time I call or email, I will catch them up on what is happening.

Then one night, about 3 weeks after placement, I received a call from a close relative. His first words were – "This is an awkward call". I asked why, and he said that he felt very badly about what had happened with Sid, but he didn’t call because he “didn’t know what to say” to me. I assured him that he need not feel awkward, that I was just happy to talk to him. He knew that both Sid and my back had been deteriorating steadily, so he was not surprised at the move, but quite sad for both of us. We had a good talk, and when finished, I think, ironically, I was the one who relieved his anxiety.

Last night, I received a phone call from a college friend of mine. We have stayed in contact in the 40 years since graduation, but she was one who did not e-mail or call after I posted the news about Sid. Her first words to me were – I have been wanting to call but “I didn’t know what to say”.  I told her that I was happy that she called, and she did not have to worry about what to say. Knowing that she cared enough to get over her anxiety and call was enough for me. We had a wonderful talk.

Those calls gave me quite a bit to think about. When a relative or friend dies, friends and family generally do not hesitate to call to offer condolences.  When a relative or friend is admitted to the hospital, friends and family generally call for the duration of their stay to find out how they are. Then why the hesitation when it is a nursing home placement instead of hospital admittance or death, I wondered.

I have not yet experienced the death of my spouse, but I felt that placing him in the nursing home was as traumatic as if he had died. Actually, I have had widowed friends tell me that placement was worse than their spouses’ eventual death. A simple phone call from a friend asking how I was doing meant the world to me. Being alone for the first time in my life, talking to friends on the phone connected me to the outside world and made me feel a little less lonely.

If you have friends and/or relatives who do not call to inquire about your spouse, or your own mental and emotional state, maybe it is because they “do not know what to say”. To those of you who are hurt and angry at them, I certainly understand. If, after explaining to them how important and appreciated a phone call or visit is to you and your spouse, they still turn away, then the broken ties cannot be mended. But, if after explanation, they return to visiting and/or calling, you will all benefit from the value of true friendship.

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