JOAN’S BLOG, MONDAY, AUGUST 8, 2011 – A NOT SO MUCH FUN ROLLER COASTER LIFE

The last time I was on a roller coaster, I was 14 years old, thought I was going to die from the high climbs and steep, seemingly unending falls, was huddled on the floor of the coaster car, and when I finally embarked from the tumultuous ride, dizzy and disoriented, I swore I would never ride another roller coaster again in my life. That was 49 years ago, and I kept my promise to myself. No roller coasters ever again. Until I was involuntarily thrown onto the Alzheimer roller coaster. My life and emotions have been in a turmoil ever since.

Four years ago, I wrote a blog “ The Inconsistency of Alzheimer’s Disease – A Roller Coaster of Emotions.” That blog was about my husband’s peaks and valleys – how one day he would function perfectly normally and the next day, he would be confused and befuddled. His inconsistencies reminded me of a roller coaster ride I did not ask for, did not want, and to which I had trouble adjusting.

Today, I am referring to my emotions as they relate to him personally. My blogs tell the story. There are days when I am so frustrated and angry at what Alzheimer’s Disease has done to my once bright, vital husband that I want to scream and run away from the blank looks, confused questions, repetitive questions. There are days when I am so lonely from lack of substantive conversation that I want to find a cognitively intact male friend to talk to endlessly. Then there are days when he is so calm, sweet, and loving, that I dread the thought of losing him for good. There are nights when I look at him sleeping and remember how we were “US” for 3 ½ decades, full of fun, passion, love, and support for one another. Sadness overwhelms me. Back to days when I am so tired from doing EVERYTHING myself, from shopping and laundry, to chauffeuring to appointments, to handling the finances, the IRS, the insurance companies, that I am furious at him. I realize it is irrational to be angry at him. It is not his fault Alzheimer’s Disease took root in his brain, but still, I feel like stamping my feet and running away from home.

One day I am resigned; the next I am angry; the next I am sad; the next I am frustrated; the next I am stressed. This roller coaster of emotions is NOT fun, nor is it good for my health. Studies tell us that this type of stress on our emotions can lead to heart attacks, strokes, early aging, and, of all things ………….dementia.

There are days I feel just as dizzy and disoriented as I did that summer day 49 years ago, when I wobbled off of the roller coaster at Lincoln Park, Rhode Island. I did not like the feeling then, and I like it even less now. I crave the calm and peace that Alzheimer’s Disease has stolen from me.

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