JOAN’S BLOG – THURS/FRI, MAY 27/28, 2010 – RESPONSE TO MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC – WHAT IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT AFTER?

I have written blogs and we have discussed Life After AD. None of us can ever know how we will react to the death of our spouses, no matter how prepared we think we are(See below for that blog). Nor can we know how we will handle life “after”. Please understand that I am NOT talking about the grieving process. To paraphrase our member Texas Joe – We all grieve in our own way on our own timetable.  I know some who have faced the pain and memories head on quickly, pushed through, and gotten on with their lives in a matter of months. For others, it takes years. Some pack up right away and move out of the house they shared with their spouse. Others remain in the house. Whatever your method or time table is fine.

This blog is directly addressing  the 5/24/10 Message Board Discussion - “What if You Don’t Care About After?”, NOT  the grieving process time table. I was surprised and distressed to read how many of our members are so defeated by Alzheimer’s Disease that they do not care about “after”; that they feel they have nothing to live for when their AD caregiving journey is over.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Where there is life, there is, and you will still have your life. Our lives will not be as we dreamed, wished, planned for, or expected. We all will have experienced unbearable pain as we witnessed our life love disappear a piece at a time, year by year, before our eyes. We also may have lost our money, good health, friends, and support of family members.

But AD cannot take away “ourselves” unless we let it. We may be battered and battle scarred, but we will be alive. This is where and when we make a choice. Do we throw way our precious life or do we pick up the pieces left of ourselves and build a new life? Think of it as an opportunity for a new beginning rather than the end. Think of all the experience, abilities, and life lessons that are encapsulated in those broken pieces of your life. Put them together to build a new you and a new life that utilizes all of that wisdom and experience.

It will never be the same as it was; it will never be what you wanted; but YOU can make it a qualitative, useful, busy, enjoyable life, while keeping the cherished memories of your spouse in your heart. If you wish to leave behind those who abandoned you, do so. Make new friends. If your finances are decimated, you can downsize and find ways to bring in money. Our member, Betty, takes in college students as borders.

If you want an example of resilience and embracing life, look no further than my father. As you know, he is moving from RI to Florida to the Assisted Living Facility next door to me. At the age of 50, he was running from one hospital room to another, as both his wife (my mother) and his sister were fighting cancer. When he was 52, his 49 year-old wife died, and less than 18 months later, his sister. At the age of 59, he remarried, and at the age of 92, spent 6 months watching his beloved second wife die a slow death from a stroke. Now, he is actually looking forward to this move, meeting new people, engaging in new activities. His first reaction, when I told him about the Honor Flights that take WWII Veterans to visit the memorial in Washington, DC, was “Why wasn’t I invited?” I am putting him on the waiting list.

You cannot depend upon others to fulfill your life and make you happy. That comes from within. It takes resolve, but you CAN do it. There is life to be lived after AD. If you have survived AD caregiving, you are being given a chance to build a new life. Do not throw away that chance. Embrace it. If the 92 year “old coot”, as my sister and I affectionately refer to my father, can do it, so can YOU!

Please post comments under the existing message board topic:  “What if You Don’t Care About After?

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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