JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE, MARCH 15/16, 2010 – THE NEED FOR STIMULATING CONVERSATION

My blogs are a chronicle of my progression of emotions and experiences in coping with my husband’s Alzheimer’s Disease, as well as his journey through the disease.

As I was preparing to write today’s blog about Alzheimer’s Disease and conversations, I looked back at previous similar blogs, and came across “The Disappearing Conversation”. Please click the link to read it. Next week will be exactly two years since it was written, and oh, how far we have progressed (descended? ). In that blog, I lamented the frustration of not being able to carry on a substantive conversation with my husband because I had to explain everything to him. But at that time, he was able to describe to me the reasons he was unable to follow a conversation.

Now, two years later, he doesn’t even realize he is not following the conversation. Nor does he realize that he rarely talks in a group. To strangers, it appears that he is following along. When he is not being absolutely silent, he makes occasional appropriate comments, but at home, with me, the frustration I spoke about in the 2008 blog, has become just what I predicted at that time – loneliness.

It has become futile to attempt to discuss an idea, incident, or event that took place as recently as earlier in the day, never mind a week ago, as he does not remember it. It is impossible to reference anything either one of us has felt or done, as he does not remember it. If I did not hear a sentence uttered by a character on a TV show, I cannot even ask him  - “What did she say?”, because he has forgotten it as soon as it was said. This is my definition of loneliness, even though my spouse is sitting in the same room as me.

The result is three different conversation scenarios. I reference and explain everything I say. I prattle on as if I were talking to someone who absorbed my words. We sit in silence. All three equal loneliness.

Where do I find the stimulating conversation I crave and need to keep my mind active and alive? To abate the loneliness?  I attend conferences and seminars, but not nearly enough. If I had the time, I would take a literature or history class, but I am so overwhelmed with handling caregiving, doctor appointments, driving, finances, taxes, every single thing to do with managing life, AND working, that I barely have time to sleep.

I understand that those of you whose spouses have died, will tell me that I won’t know true loneliness until I am a widow, but for now, with my life as it is, I am lonely. On the positive side, we can still hold each other in our arms and feel our beating hearts. No words are needed for that expression of love.

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