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JOAN’S BLOG, MON/TUE, AUGUST 1-2, 2011 – HELP! NON ALZHEIMER SOCIALIZATION NEEDED

As my husband’s Alzheimer’s Disease advances, I am finding that my previous ideas about the disease’s affect on ME are evolving. I wanted to write a blog today about friendships. In preparation, I researched older blogs, one in particular – Socialization and Friendships - from the first month this site was launched in July 2007. You can read the full blog by clicking on the above link, but basically, I explained why Pre-AD friendships faded, and encouraged everyone to make friends with AD couples. There is a comfort level with AD friends you will find nowhere else. They understand what you and your spouses are enduring. They have the patience and comprehension of the disease to accept your spouse as they are.

I have been luckier than most of you to have such a caring circle of friends, whom I met in my support group. The AD guys get together for activities once a week. We are still able to go out to dinner, the movies, and the theater together as couples. The wives get together for lunch or just to chat. I am now and will be forever grateful for their friendship, help, and compassion. Without them, my life would be a nightmare of isolation and loneliness.

However, for the last 6 years, I have been consumed by Alzheimer’s Disease – support groups, conferences, advocacy, fundraising, writing. Lately I find myself trying to evolve away from Alzheimer’s Disease for at least part of my time. I feel the need for one or two women friends with whom I can socialize and discuss ANYTHING BUT ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE.

That is easier said than done. Now that I am driving again (at least locally), since my surgery, my time is filling up with doctor appointments for both my husband and my father. When I am not driving someone to an appointment, I am doing everything I did before the surgery that involves caring for an AD husband at home, taking care of all the household tasks, and managing the care of a 93 year old father in the ALF next door. A father who is slipping more and more into dementia each day. And I have shoulder therapy 3 times a week.

Where and how am I supposed to go out and find new women friends? I am not a joiner. I never have been. I am not going to join any club that requires weekly meetings. I do not want to be REQUIRED to do anything on a regular basis. A friend with whom to go to a museum for an afternoon; the beach; a “chick” matinee; lunch. A friend with whom I can discuss a wide range of topics that do not include Alzheimer’s Disease and illness. That is all I am seeking.

Because we moved to Florida at the beginning of Sid’s diagnosis, we do not have “old” friends here. All of the new friends we made were in the Alzheimer circle, so it is not as if I could call up an “old” friend for a non-Alzheimer date.

I do believe this is a problem unique to Alzheimer spouses rather than those caring for parents and grandparents. Adult children caring for their AD parents/grandparents have “well” spouses and other friends with whom they are able to have a normal conversation that does not include Alzheimer’s Disease, Alzheimer’s Disease, Alzheimer’s Disease.

I am not abandoning Alzheimer’s Disease (as if that were even possible). I am just trying to inject some normalcy into a life consumed with and surrounded by dementia.

It seems to me that my feelings may be shared by many of you. How have your solved the problem, or has it remained unsolvable?

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan’s Monday Blog – Non Alzheimer Socialization Needed

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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