JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE, MARCH 29/30, 2010 – NAGGING, NAGGING, NAGGING

Maybe on Thursday, after my Wednesday plans of having a fun day out with a friend, while our husbands are taken to a spring training baseball game, I will write an uplifting, positive blog. But I write what is in my heart, and today, I am feeling frustrated and exhausted from something that is, as usual, not my husband’s fault. I am wondering if you have dealt with this situation and feel the same as I do.

Because my husband knows he is unable to figure out who to call, where to find the number, listen to the information and write at the same time if he does manage the call, certainly not remember what was said if he cannot write the information, AND cannot remember he “asked” me to make the call, I am nagged every day all day constantly. In the past week, I have been reminded every day, sometimes more than once a day, to:

Gather the tax information for the accountant.

Call to find out why his new subscription to a hobby magazine has not shown up.

Call to find out why we are getting two copies of a political magazine to which we subscribe.

Call to tell the Census bureau that we have not received our census form.

Take him to the gym, even though he is not supposed to go until he starts and finishes physical therapy.

Call to find out when PT will start.

Go to the grocery store immediately when he runs out of blueberries that he MUST eat for breakfast every single day.

Write my blog.

There are more, but that is a good sampling. Intellectually, I understand, and he has told me, that if he remembered he asked, he would not keep asking. But emotionally, I am totally worn out and aggravated from it. To my ears, it sounds like constant nagging, nagging, nagging. Sometimes I want to put my hands over my ears and run out of the house screaming, “Leave me alone! ”

Unless someone has been there, unless someone has tried, they have no idea how difficult it is to continually ignore nagging, nagging, nagging, even if it is not the “naggers” fault, and he has no idea that he is doing it. I know he is doing it, and I am sorry, but I am having a very difficult time with this one.

I also know that many will admonish me for my feelings by telling me that someday I will not have to yell, “Leave me alone.”, that I will be alone, and I will long to hear his voice nagging me. That may be so, but right now I can only feel what I feel, which is irritated and fatigued.

I have educated myself about Alzheimer’s Disease and caregiving, have listened to my social workers, support buddies, the neurologist, and my website friends, tell me how to change my entire personality, life, and way of coping, to accommodate the needs of my AD spouse. In most cases, I have been a fairly good student – After almost 4 years of heartache, I let go of the relationship that I cherised; I learned to walk away from arguments; I learned to ignore complaining. But honestly, sometimes I wonder – what will be left of me, after this is over, after I have given up all of what made me “me”, in order to cope with his Alzheimer’s Disease?

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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