JOAN’S BLOG –WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2010 – MY NIGHTMARE

This is definitely an odd blog, and one I was not sure I was going to write, but I thought it would make a good discussion topic, so I decided to share it with you. I had a quite a nightmare last night that was full of significance for me, and perhaps for you too:

I brought my car in for service and it was there for over a week. When I called, they said they needed a part that would take years to get. I needed my car NOW, so I went to get it (It was a dream, so it’s not clear what transportation I used to get there), taking Sid with me.

The mechanic’s facility was in an isolated area around railroad tracks, and what looked like abandoned warehouses. We got into the car, and I started to drive out of the lot, but kept driving into dead ends, blocked by cars, trucks, or oncoming trains. This went on for what seemed like hours. No matter where I turned, I was blocked. Finally, we got out of the car and started to walk around the blockades, ending up inside a dark building, being beckoned by two or three seemingly friendly women. They directed us farther into the building and down a few steps into murky, dirty water that was interminably deep. There were haggard looking, filthy, blank eyed, desperate men, women, and teens treading in the water. We were told if we cried out, tried to escape, or disobeyed orders, we would be starved. They then passed around a plate of lettuce, from which we were allowed to take one piece. I swam through the black water, desperately seeking a way out, but there was none.

Next time we looked up, there were big, burly, angry men guarding us. They had brought in a few of our friends and relatives, who silently stretched out their arms to us, but were quickly whisked away. I remember continuing to swim around desperately seeking escape. Next thing I know, all of the guards were gone, and Sid managed to run up the stairs and escape.

Sometime later, I did the same, but ended up running through what looked like a salvage yard full of junk. It was a maze of stripped cars, trucks, and railroad cars. There seemed to be no way out, until I managed to hide in a car that was driving out. We drove for miles in a dark tunnel, and just when we came into the light, the driver discovered me, and returned me to the building filled with water. As he pushed me back into the cold, dirty water, I looked up, and saw my friends and relatives standing there again, with looks of horror on their faces, hands once again outstretched to me, Sid hunched in the background. Then I woke up.

Usually, the memory of my nightmares or dreams fades quickly, and I am unable to remember any of them. This time, I sat on the edge of the bed, shaking, clearly recalling many of the details. It only took a moment or two for me to realize the significance of the nightmare. I went immediately to the computer to write down the details before they disappeared from my memory, because I knew this was something I needed to think about and analyze.

It does not take a genius to interpret the nightmare as a caregiver feeling trapped, alone, and with no escape, even though friends and relatives are sympathetic and would like to help. There is no way out.

I have accepted my role as caregiver; I try to plan activities and outings for myself for respite; I handle much of the situation with humor; I try to make the best of the cirmcumstances by reaching out and educating others; I have my days when I am stressed; I have my days when I cry, but for the most part, I feel I am handling things the best I can. My nightmare tells a different story. I guess I feel more trapped than I thought. Maybe letting out the frustration in a nightmare is a way of keeping me functioning fairly well when I am awake. 

Has anyone else had a similar nightmare?  Please post comments on the Message Board Topic: Joan’s Nightmare

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