JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, MAY 8, 2009 – MY AD EVOLUTION

On Thursday, I received an e-mail from a member who said she had been reading my old blogs and noticed a difference in my attitude. She said that the newer blogs reflect a “resignation”, and “acceptance” compared to the old blogs in which I was “screaming, crying, and hysterical” .

It made me think of the advice given the first day in my support group and every day since, to newbies and veterans alike – only with acceptance comes a lessening of stress. Well, I don’t know about that – there is always stress, but in thinking about what that member wrote to me, here is how I view my AD evolution.

Once the fight to retain the relationship that I cherished with the spouse I adored, was kicked, pummeled, and sucked out of me by Alzheimer’s Disease, I had no choice left but to accept it or die battling it. Alzheimer’s Disease left me emotionally broken, bloody, and bruised, but I was still alive facing a choice. I could lie there with my wounds untended or I could get up, brush myself off, and try to live as best a life as I could with the person Alzheimer’s Disease had given me.

So yes, there is a difference in my blogs. I cannot use the word “acceptance”. It is more “resignation.” I am resigned to the fact that this is my life and I have to adjust my interaction with my husband to the “new normal”, which seems to be the latest buzz phrase.

If he screams, tantrums, rages, tries to argue, or cries, I have to harden my heart to it; not react to it; speak calmly; and walk away until the tirade is over. I understand that it is my job to keep him safe from himself; be his reasoning and judgment buttons, and give him opportunities that will engage his mind and boost his self esteem.

For the time being, I have stopped sobbing over the relationship losses we have sustained. I know there will be many tears ahead as more losses occur. But yes, I guess for now, I have evolved from the woman who was dragged along the ground trying to pull the man I knew out of Alzheimer’s Disease’s stranglehold, to the woman I am now. Battle scarred and much sadder, but “resigned” to the fact that I will not win this war.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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