JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE, AUGUST 24/25, 2009 –MOVING WITH AN AD SPOUSE -PART II –ACCEPT THEIR LIMITATIONS

There are some experiences in life that go down in the books as “the worst”. These are experiences, that after they are over, we swear we will never do again. (Besides Alzheimer's Disease care giving) For me, skiing made the top of that list. At this point, moving tops skiing.

It truly has surprised me how much has changed in the 3 years since we moved from up North. At that time, Sid had stopped working due to his memory problems, but every day that I went to work, I left him with a list. When I came home, he had everything on the list finished. He had packed, labeled, and taped boxes. He was still organized and efficient enough to not only do that job, but help me wrap miles of bubble wrap around 35 years of accumulated crystal and china.

This weekend, I learned the extent of the change. I wrote 3 tasks on a list, and handed it to him. I told him to read each task, complete it, and check it off. He accomplished one task, ½ of the second one, and when I checked on him, he had forgotten to look at the list, had gotten distracted, had gone on to shredding documents, and he was exhausted.

That is when I knew that there was no sense in arguing, criticizing, or pushing him to do more. I accepted his limitations, and will not ask him to do more than he is willing or able. If you find yourself in this “moving” position, with a spouse whom you think can help, I would advise giving them a simple task (putting books into a box) , and leave them to it, no matter how long it takes, while you and your helpers do the rest of the work. While Sid shredded documents all afternoon, my friend and I took out that old bubble wrap and packed up all of the fragile items. I am lucky in this move, because it is 15 minutes away, so most everything else in cabinets and closets will not need to be packed – just put into the car and driven to the new house.

I have been somewhat of a slow learner in the Alzheimer’s business, but learning I am. Instead of stressing over what Sid is unable to do; instead of getting angry, upset, and aggravated, because so much of it is left to me, I have accepted that things have changed. He cannot do what he did 3 years ago, and no amount of lamenting or complaining about it is going to alter that reality. I will just have to pay the movers to do more than I had anticipated.

The rest of this week will be spent running back and forth between houses, meeting with the electrician, handyman, cable guy, window blind measurers, and decorator. Okay, I don’t really have a decorator. My cousin has an excellent eye for color and decorating, so she is coming to give me tips on color schemes and furniture placement.

While all of this is going on, I am going to tell Sid each day what I will be doing, and I will leave him home with one task. He is getting confused, as he said he was tired and did not want to do a lot of work, but then said he did not want to stay home while I was at the new house with the workers, and then said he did not want to run back and forth with me. I will do my best to make sure he is content and calm with what I give him to do, because as we know, if someone with AD gets stressed and upset, it is a set up for an explosion.

So here is what I have learned during this week’s installment of the “Moving Experience with an AD Spouse”:

Do not give them more to do than they are capable of handling.

Keep their stress level and confusion to a minimum.

Anticipate and head off whatever will cause a blow up.
Sip some wine while you are packing.

Be sure to tune in for tomorrow's blog - "Financial Stress and Alzheimer's Disease"

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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