JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE. OCTOBER 19/20, 2009 – WHERE IS ALL THIS GUILT COMING FROM?

Aren’t I the one who always lectures that we should not feel ; that we are doing the best we can for our spouses? We try, we fail, we learn, we pick ourselves up and try again. Our intentions are honorable, even if our patience does not always keep pace with that honor. So why have I been feeling guilty lately?

I need to work, not only for financial reasons, but for my own mental health. My work occasionally takes me out of the house away from my husband, but most of the time, it is accomplished in my home office. The writing, marketing, and web maintenance required for me to do my job takes quiet and total concentration. That means that while I am working, I am not interacting with Sid, and I feel extremely guilty about it. When he is on an outing with members of the Villas where we live (as he is at this moment), or with his Alzheimer buddy’s group, I am productive and guilt free. But if he is sitting in the den in front of the TV for more than 2 days in a row, I feel  that I am not keeping him company or engaging in an activity with him. I cannot concentrate, and am always jumping up and down to see if he is bored or upset.

Perhaps this comes from the Hell he put me through while living in the other house. He was always angry, bitter, and extremely vocal about the fact that he was isolated and bored. Now that we have moved to where there are activities for him, I feel that if he is not busy every day, I have somehow failed in taking care of his needs.

What is ironic about all of this guilt, is that Sid tells me how much he appreciates my efforts to move us here. He says that the activities in which he does participate are enough for him, and he does not mind sitting at home on the other days. He says he is very happy here – he loves the idea that the maintenance man does all of the work, and he no longer has to lift a finger to do anything. He says he is glad that I no longer have to cook dinner – that I have worked hard for many years, and deserve a break.

So what is wrong with me? Where is this guilt coming from? This is not the norm for me. As I am writing and reading this, it is occurring to me that when Sid was verbally abusive, prone to tantrums at the drop of a hat, and just plain mean, I never felt guilty about working while he was watching TV. It is only since he has done an about face and become sweet and loving that my guilt appeared.  It is possible that it is more difficult for me to “separate” from the kind and warm hearted husband than the nasty one. It is also possible that I am just going through a crazy phase.

What I do know for sure is that living with Alzheimer’s Disease certainly keeps me on my toes. I am constantly trying to adjust to emotional changes, such as my latest guilt trip, in myself as well as him, behavioral and cognitive changes in him, and perpetual changes in our lives due to the roller coaster nature of this wretched disease.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2009 All Rights Reserved

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