JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – MAY 6-8, 2011 – MORE CONVERSATIONS FROM DEMENTIA LAND

I knew this latest incident I am about to describe sounded familiar, so I looked it up in the search feature of my previous blog section. Sure enough, 3 years ago, I wrote a blog titled ‘I Am So Mad at You, But I Don’t Remember Why’.  Although my husband's memory has gotten worse in the 3 years that have elapsed, at least he is no longer throwing the temper tantrums referred to in that blog. He now pouts and gives me the silent treatment when he is angry. An improvement over tantrums.

Sid was furious with me Thursday night because I did not do his knee ultrasound treatment that day. He said that he can’t remember to remind me, so it is up to me to remember to do it. He kept repeating that he can’t remember anything; he depends on me to be his memory; he needs me, and I do not do anything for him anymore. (24/7 me who is his brain, legs, memory, chauffer, nurse, social worker, does not do anything for him??????????? ) He turned his back on me when we got into bed, and scooted as far over to his side as he could get without falling on the floor. Definitely an indication that he was quite miffed.

When we woke up in the morning, he was friendlier, but still seemed a bit “off”.  I asked him if he was still angry with me. He said that he was. Then he asked ME why HE was angry. “Why am I mad at you? What did you do that made me so mad?”, he asked.  Spouses, I ask you - At that point, was there anything I could do besides laugh? “Well”, he said, “What did you do? I can’t remember, but I remember the anger. It must have been something really bad.”

I told him exactly what he had said to me the night before – that I do not do anything for him anymore, and that he was very angry because I did not do his knee treatment. He could not believe that he said that I do not do anything for him. “You do things for me”, he said. “But you didn’t do my knees. You’re supposed to remember for me, and you didn’t. That’s why I’m mad at you!”

Honestly, I do not think that anyone who has not been in this situation would believe such a ridiculous conversation could take place.

For at least 4 years, his memory and cognition have been in a slow, steady decline, but both have picked up speed in the last year, more so in the last 6 months. He knows it. He is not in denial about it, and I know that knowledge depresses him. I try not to talk about it with him, as I see how much it upsets him, but I do believe frustration and fear concerning his rapidly declining memory are at the heart of his anger.

So here is where we stand in Dementia Land – He remembers his anger towards me, but has no idea why he is angry. He expects ME to remind him why HE is angry with me!  I am left in the position of hoping he soon forgets the anger altogether, so I won’t have to explain to him why he is mad at me. Somewhere along the line, I got on a train and got off in the Twilight Zone of Dementia.

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