JOAN’S BLOG – THURS/FRI, JUNE 10/11, 2010 – MORE ABOUT SEX

When you are a caregiver to a parent or grandparent with Alzheimer’s Disease, the topic of sex is generally not an issue for you – unless they are acting out sexually. (Even when you are NOT a caregiver to a parent or grandparent, sex is the last subject you would probably discuss with them!) However, as we know, sex is a big issue when you are caring for a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease. Although we have addressed sexual intimacy in other blogs and discussion topics, this blog was prompted by a series of conversations I had with different Alzheimer wives. What was interesting to me was that these were separate conversations at five separate times with five different women. Their ages ranged from 60-75.

The general theme among these women was that sex was just “icing on the cake” in a marital relationship; driven by youthful hormones; and a romantic passion that waned as the years passed. Their contention was that when Alzheimer’s Disease, as well as its related medications and additional health problems cause the sexual relationship to disappear, that it is okay. They say they had plenty of sex when they were younger, so it is only fleetingly missed. Deep love is more than sex.

Maybe this is a mature attitude from wise women, and I am still stuck in the sexual revolution of the 1960’s, but my opinion is somewhat different. Sex in a long term, happy marriage is more than just “sex”. It is an expression of love, trust, and emotional bonding. Without that closeness and intimacy, a big piece of the relationship is missing, and the connection between spouses change from one of a “passionate unit” to loving companion.

From the day Alzheimer’s Disease related personality changes occur in one spouse, the relationship begins to transform. Eventually, it evolves to caregiver/patient, but in between the beginning and the end, there may be years of fluctuating cognition and abilities – years when the “well” spouse desires, misses, and mourns the loss of the sexual bond, and does not consider it just “icing on the cake”. 

Perhaps it is age related, and the younger spouses whose husbands/wives suffer from Young Onset AD, miss the sexual relationship more than the older spouses. I just thought it was worth noting that all of the women with whom I spoke did not share my opinion on the significance of the loss of sexual intimacy in an Alzheimer marriage.

What about you? How do you feel about this subject? Am I in the minority? Please post your comments on the message boards – Joan’s Blog – More About Sex.  

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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