JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, MAY 11/12, 2011 – A MORAL DILEMMA FOR ALZHEIMER SPOUSES
I am bringing up the subject of companionship and sexual intimacy again because we have so many new members who have not participated in these conversations, and it is being discussed now under the Message Board Topic: Feeling so Alone.
It has only been in recent years – the last 3 or 4, which coincides with the launch of this website (not sure if there is any connection) – that psychologists, clergy, and the media, have ventured into the topic of companionship for spouses whom Alzheimer’s Disease has left widowed in all but the final step of death.
As only a spouse of an Alzheimer patient can fully understand, our husbands and wives leave us long before death takes them. Alzheimer’s Disease steals their cognition, physical, speaking, and mental abilities, and of course, their memories. It takes their personalities, the essence of what made them that unique person with whom we fell in love. Often, they do not even know who we are. It can take years, sometimes a decade or more for Alzheimer’s Disease to complete its destruction, and the “well” spouse is left to live a life of loneliness.
We live, not alone, but lonely, with no companionship, no meaningful conversation, no shared memories, no friendship, and no sexual intimacy.
There is an old discussion topic on my message boards titled – “What I Miss With My Spouse”. The theme that runs through the 133 comments is that what is missed most is having someone with whom to share the simple things of daily life – conversation, laughs, hugs; having someone on whom we can depend, with whom we can feel safe and protected.
It is these losses that propel some of us to seek that joy of companionship once again when our spouses are no longer able to provide it. And therein lies the dilemma. The marriage vows say “Until Death Do Us Part”. Our spouses are not clinically “dead”. But neither are they “living”. Locked in the Alzheimer prison of lost memories, often functioning as dependent infants, they are no longer capable of being our spouses, our best friends. Therefore, Alzheimer spouses struggle with the moral issue of “cheating” and “adultery”. There is an excellent article titled “Is it Still Adultery if the Spouse Has Alzheimer’s?” Just the fact that this article was written is evidence that many Alzheimer spouses are grappling with this issue.
In my own case, I have to admit that I am still holding onto the fleeting hope that once in awhile, my Sid will appear to me, and we can share a few moments of re-connection. It happens far less frequently now than it did in the first few years of his disease. To be honest, it almost never happens anymore, but when it does, I find myself in tears when it is over - I was given a momentary grasp of what we used to have, and then it was snatched from me again. I certainly am in no way ready to even think about sharing anything as innocent as a dinner or as intimate as sex with anyone else. But if and when my husband no longer knows me, I have no idea how I will feel. Probably much too worn out to bother looking for someone else.
What I would like everyone, particularly those new members who have not entered into this discussion yet, to take from this conversation, is that there is no right or wrong answer. In this case, each person must do what they feel is comfortable for them. It is important not to make judgments against those who make a different choice than yours.
Additional resources on this topic:
Till Dementia Do Us Part? – As a spouse is stricken with Alzheimer’s Disease, more caregivers seek out a new love
MESSAGE BOARD: Joan's Blog -5/11//11 - A Moral Dilemma for Alzheimer Spouses
Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2011 All Rights Reserved
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