JOAN’S BLOG – TUES./WED., DECEMBER 2/3, 2008 – I MISS MY LIFE!

My husband’s good mood is as gone as Thanksgiving dinner. We were home from vacation one and a half days when it started all over again. If he cannot drive himself where and when he wants to go, he sulks, complains, and whines. I am exhausted from all of the driving, and doubly exhausted from dealing with his moods. It is days like Monday, when he stands at the door with his arms crossed, complaining about the time he had to wait for me, that I just want to scream and stamp my feet – “Give me my life back! The one I had before Alzheimer’s disease snatched it from me.

Once upon a time, in a far away land, I had a life I loved, a husband who set my heart afire the day I met him, and kept it burning for more than three decades. I had a husband who was there to catch me when I stumbled, hold me up when I was weak, hold my hand when I was sick, compromise with me when we disagreed, and love me unconditionally.

I had a demanding, but well-paying job. We did not have to worry about paying our bills; we traveled; we laughed together; we loved together; we were partners and best friends.

One day I woke up and that man and that life were gone. Oh, it didn’t really happen in one day. It just seems that way now. Alzheimer’s Disease snuck into his brain and stole him and our old life. Our “new” life is a series of doctor visits to one specialist after another, numerous medications, roller coaster rides of mood swings, confusion, denial, anger, and depression. And that is from him.

On my side, there is fatigue, sadness, depression, and sometimes just plain anger, at having so much on my shoulders. Most of the time, it does not seem possible to handle all of the paperwork, constant worry over finances, household organization, and phone calls to doctors, insurance companies, medical personnel. It is more difficult than anyone can imagine having one brain work for two people. It is wearing me out.

There are times when I want to close my eyes, make a wish, and be transported on a silver cloud back to the “old life” and the “old husband”.  I want Alzheimer’s Disease to go away.

Of course I know that is not realistic, but for a few moments, when I am feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope, I can dream, can’t I?

©Copyright 2008 Joan Gershman        

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