JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, APRIL 15/16,2009 – “There’s nothing wrong with me except some memory loss” – The Effect of Memory Loss on Relationships

As all of us who are living with spouses with memory loss are aware, Alzheimer’s Disease is NOT just a memory loss disease. It is a brain disease that slowly, torturously destroys every mental, physical, and emotional function controlled by the brain.

But for today, I do want to discuss “just memory loss”, and the effect it has on a relationship in the early stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. (The later stage memory loss, when the patient loses the ability to remember his/her spouse and their lives together, as well as how to manage his/her own ADL needs, is a subject that will be explored in another blog.) My own husband readily admits that his short term memory is “shot” , but has compartmentalized the problem. He sees it as an isolated issue, having no overlapping effect on other aspects of his life, including our relationship. 

Maybe because of his inability to comprehend a connection between memory and sustaining a relationship, or maybe because I am just introspective and curious, I have spent quite a bit of time contemplating the issue. I am purposely keeping the focus narrow – on memory loss alone – not the personality changes, rages, incontinence, loss of physical abilities. Just memory loss, because that is what my husband focuses on – it is the only aspect of AD he mentions or seems to understand, no matter what other issues come up.

Partners stay together and in love because they meet each other’s emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual needs continuously. When one or all of those needs is not met on one side or the other, the bond is damaged. One partner’s memory loss upsets the symbiosis of the relationship.

Pre-diagnosis, when my husband started to forget conversations we had the previous day, I was furious and hurt. I thought he was being inattentive and callous. I felt that he neither cared about, nor was interested in, anything I had to say. When he would “forget” to do the simplest things I asked of him – take the laundry basket upstairs – I thought he was insensitive to my needs. ( It was too heavy for me to lug up the stairs and he knew that.) I became angrier and more resentful, which certainly did nothing to foster good relations between us.

Post-diagnosis, there was relief at knowing that his forgetfulness was the result of a disease, but relief soon turned to irritability on my part from the repetitive questions– the same questions I had answered countless times– sometimes within an hour; sometimes within minutes. He, in turn, would become angry at me for my lack of patience. Memory loss was causing bickering, impatience, and anger.

So I learned to live with the same questions over and over and over again. I no longer lash out in anger, because I know it is not his fault. But what does this memory loss do to conversation? How can a meaningful conversation be sustained if one person does not remember the incident, book, article, TV program, or movie, about which you are conversing? It certainly stilts it, leaving the well spouse feeling defeated and lonely, while the spouse with the memory loss may feel confused and resentful. Or clueless, depending upon his/her stage of disease.

Memory loss breeds paranoia and suspicion on the part of the spouse with the memory disorder, and more anger on both sides. I cannot count the number of times my husband has accused me of hiding financial information from him because he cannot remember that I told him about it, or the number of times he yells at me because he thinks I did not follow up on an insurance or medical matter. He is paranoid that I and others are conspiring to keep information from him, and extremely angry about it. To say that this makes me angry is an understatement. Anger, suspicion, and distrust do not foster good relationships.

Indeed, memory loss does not exist in isolation, and certainly does affect every aspect of one’s life and relationship, causing anger, resentfulness, paranoia, suspicion, and distrust on the part of the partner with the memory loss; irritability, impatience, and loneliness on the part of the well spouse, and bickering on both sides.

I am always trying to sustain as good a relationship as possible for as long as possible with my husband. To that end, I have come to the conclusion that we must not only live “one day at a time”, but also “live in the moment.” If we are enjoying an activity together, I must enjoy it at that moment, and not expect him to remember all of its details to revel in and discuss at a later time. If we are having a good day together, I must enjoy the day, as it is, and not expect all of it to live in his memory for later discussion. I must enjoy these activities in which we are able to participate together, even without being able to share their memories completely with him, because in the future, there may not be any activities for us to enjoy together at all.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved