JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2009 – A MEDIATOR TO SETTLE AD SPOUSAL DISPUTES?

I read a news article a few days ago that caused me so many conflicting emotions and opinions that I needed time to think about it carefully, before I presented it to you for discussion. You may CLICK HERE to read the entire article and listen to it on NPR radio, but the basic premise is this:  Outside mediators are being used to settle disputes among elders with diminishing abilities and their children who want to have them declared incompetent; move them into assisted living facilities against their wishes; take over their finances, take away their driving privileges, and so forth. These outside mediators are cheaper than going to court ($100-$300 an hour), and according the article, are often successful where a family member would not be.  

Although the article did not mention spousal disputes specifically, it was the part about Alzheimer’s Disease and other forms of dementia, that grabbed my attention. I understand the importance of allowing a person with AD, especially in the early stages, to be included in decisions while still able; to utilize the capabilities they still possess; and to not be dismissed as irrelevant.

My concern (cynicism?) relates to the blog below about memory. My husband and I visit the psychiatrist every few months, mainly to discuss his agitation, rage, and medication. By the time we get to the elevator, which is about 50 feet from her door, he has forgotten 95% of what she said. We have a social worker who makes house calls, and was here last summer to try to calm Sid down over the driving. She did a great job. An hour later, he forgot 95% of what she said. Except that he can’t drive.

So suppose you do have a mediator come in and, as mentioned in the article, it is agreed that a junior accountant will come in twice a month to pay the bills, because your spouse, although no longer capable of performing that job, does not want YOU to take that privilege from him/her. "Meeting with the accountant" preserves the AD spouse's dignity. I can picture the accountant coming in, and my spouse insisting he never agreed to it, simply because he forgot he did. This happens all of the time in my house. We agree, with or without a mediator, on something, and when it is time to implement it – ARGUMENT – My husband does not remember agreeing to it!

One of our social workers works for a company that provides mediation FREE. Many of our support group members have used her services, and since she has years of “in the trenches” experience with Alzheimer’s Disease, she has been quite successful. Even if the Alzheimer’s patient listens and FORGETS what was discussed, she provides valuable tips to the caregiver for handling difficult situations. I have met with her by myself for help, and had success following her advice.

I would not have brought the article up for discussion at all, if it had not specifically mentioned Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia. I wonder if I am being hypercritical about these types of articles and solutions, whose authors, seem to me, to not really understand the full scope of Alzheimer’s Disease. The article does warn about lack of regulation and credentials when selecting a mediator.

Tell us what you think. Would mediation work with your spouse? Would they remember?

Message Board Topic: A mediator for AD spousal disputes?

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