JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2009 – LOSS OF INTIMACY

This is a website for spouses/life partners. Therefore, on this website, as on no other, we do talk about sexual matters in a serious, respectful manner. I have written various blogs  (Previous Blogs, # 9, 10, 11, and 44 are a sample) on the subject, but today I want to discuss another aspect about which people have been writing and talking to me – Intimacy.  In today’s world, single men and women “hook up” for sexual release, and then move on to the next person who turns them on.  Sexual intimacy is different from “recreational sex”. It is an emotional bond that evolves out of love, implicit trust, and a desire for total enjoyment of each other. It takes years to develop, and is often intertwined with care, respect, and deep love spouses have for one another.

In altering, and then destroying, the personality of the spouse to whom you are attracted, Alzheimer’s Disease can damage the sexual emotional intimacy you have cultivated through the years. When the diseased spouse no longer has the cognitive capacity or physical ability to understand and react to sexual intimacy as they once did, it leaves the well spouse devastatingly lonely, not just for the physical touch, but the emotional bond that has so long accompanied the physical.

Men and women, although different in their responses to the physical act of sex, are very similar in their need for intimacy – the warmth, total emotional satisfaction and closeness, and complete trust that comes from a long term sexual relationship.

Obviously, sexual attraction is severely diminished, and mostly eliminated, when one’s spouse becomes a dependent child that you must feed, bathe, and change. But loss of attraction, rather than diminish the feelings of grief and loss of intimacy, can heighten them, because it emphasizes the change in the relationship from lover to caregiver.
 
So, I am often asked – What does one do about the loss of the emotional intimacy part of sex? Many have struggled with the question, and found physical sex elsewhere. It is my belief that one can always find a willing sexual partner somewhere, but that is not going to fulfill the emotional intimacy that your long- term, loving sexual relationship has provided. What does one do about that loss?  Mourn it, as one does every part of the marriage that Alzheimer’s Disease steals? Ignore it?  File it under “emotional divorce”; “emotional detachment” and find a hobby, such as needlepoint or golf, to keep your mind off of your loneliness and desire for intimacy?

I apologize that I have no answers for those who have brought this subject to my attention. I do not know how to deal with the loss of intimacy, except to mourn it. I can assure you, from my research, none of the “experts” have much worthwhile advice either. The situation is now being acknowledged, but no expert of whom I am aware, has a solution to the problem, because there is none. It is just another piece of marriage that this horrendous disease has robbed from the spouses of the Alzheimer patient.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

©Copyright 2009 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2009 All Rights Reserved

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