JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, OCTOBER 29/30, 2008 – “LIVING IN AN EVIL FOG”- WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LIVE WITH ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE BY DAVID AND ELIZABETH HOWE

It is one of my absolute beliefs that the more we know about how are AD spouses are thinking and feeling, the more we will be able to understand them; help them through their journey; and gain a little more patience for ourselves. With that goal in mind, I have tried, since the inception of this website in July, 2007, to present views from the “inside”. It has been an uphill battle because most of our spouses, even in the early stages, have difficulty putting their feelings and fears into words. I have written blogs (Click here for Previous Blogs)highlighting one of the more articulate Alzheimer sufferers – Dr. Richard Taylor (Blogs #19 and 54); occasionally my own husband has been able to explain his frustration (Blog #101); and I have even entered the AD world a couple of times myself (Blog #8 and 177 ).

But today, I have what I consider a special gift from one of our members. Her AD husband, whom she says has always been able to express his ideas in writing better than verbally, has written his account of what it is like to live with Alzheimer’s Disease. It is insightful and powerful. I thank them for allowing me to share it with you.                                           

LIVING in an Evil Fog
                                               By David  & Elizabeth (Betsy) Howe

My family and friends ask how I am doing. The answer usually is “fine.” I am doing fine overall. Very few ask what this condition feels like. It feels like living in and evil fog.

A fog is something all can understand. ‘I’ am inside. I can see out. I ‘know’ who I am and what I should be able to do. I ‘know’ what I want to say. But the fog envelops me. It holds me in its evil grasp. It keeps me from doing all I know I could before.

The fog is like a demon from a horror movie. It pulls me deeper and deeper into itself. It pulls me farther and farther away from my ‘outside’ life. It makes my body less responsive and capable. It keeps my thought inside and won’t let me send them out to the world.

The fog never goes away. The fog just sucks me in deeper and deeper, day by day, farther and farther from what should be my life. It’s hard to watch myself leaving. It’s hard for my wife and family to watch me leaving. I know that. I see that.

My wife and I do not dwell on what is gone. We focus on what is left. Much is left. It is comforting to have great friends and family who care. Out friends continue to socialize with us, even though I get quieter and quieter. The right words more often won’t come out of the fog. The fog grabs my ideas as they form and pulls them back into its evil clutches. By then the conversation has moved on without me.

The fog slows time for me and speeds up the outside world. Everything seems to move faster. I seem to keep moving slower. I daily trudge through a fog as thick as molasses. It sometimes gets exhausting and I must take a break with ‘no brain’ things like reading or watching TV, but every now and then even reading or watching TV is exhausting.

Sound depressing? My wife and I are doing great at accepting and not being depressed. ‘What is’ is ‘what is’. I cannot change it. No one can change it. My wife helps me continue to me ‘me.’ She helped me put together this article to share with you.

I hope that as the fog grows denser and pulls me farther and farther away, my friends and family will remember ‘me.’ I hope they will continue to talk to ‘me’ even when they can no longer see the ‘me’ clutched deep within the fog.

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©Copyright 2008 Joan Gershman

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