JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – OCTOBER  2/3, 2010 – THE BENEFITS OF NOT ARGUING – A LESSON LEARNED FROM LIVING WITH ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE

One of the most important first lessons we learn when dealing with a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease is – DON’T ARGUE WITH THEM. It is natural to want to prove our point with examples, logic, and reason. Unfortunately, their reasoning button is broken. They are not capable of seeing more than their “reality”; their version; their side. Although it may be extremely difficult to walk away and agree with what we KNOW is wrong, we learn to do it in order to save our own sanity.

This lesson was painful for me to learn on both mental and physical levels. I would lose my breath, suffer anxiety attacks, and become nauseous from trying to make my husband see reason; by trying to make him understand that his reasoning was faulty. ????????????? It doesn’t even make sense when I write it. I finally learned the art of “not arguing”, and it turns out that it has served me well in other aspects of my life. Who would have thought?

Last night, my friend called me from the AARP Orlando 50+ conference (that I had considered attending), all excited about what he had learned from the nationally renowned speakers. Did I know that Alzheimer’s Disease could be reversed by following 3 simple steps? Exercise, mind stimulation, and socialization. Did I know that there were more than 10,000 people there, and thousands were on “scooters”, so Sid certainly could have come. No, he would not be tired. Of course he could go from 8 in the morning until 11 at night from speaker to speaker to speaker to lunch, dinner, entertainment. I started to explain to him that Sid’s stamina was limited, that he could not handle so much mental stimulation and crowds, and that NO, Alzheimer’s Disease cannot be cured by following 3 simple steps. And then I realized that there was no point in arguing. His mind was made up. Nothing I could say was going to change it, so from that moment on, I just listened politely. BA (Before Alzheimer’s Disease), I would have worked myself into tizzy, trying to explain Alzheimer’s Disease, research, and Sid’s abilities, to him, until I had aggravated myself into a high blood pressure attack.

My father, who has lost all sense of time, INSISTS that the aides in the ALF do not come for HOURS after he presses his button. They have a computer system that records when the resident calls and when the aide answers, so we are able to track it. They usually come within less than 15 minutes. When I am sitting with him, and he rings his button, I show him the time. I show it to him again when the aide comes in. Is he going to remember that she came quickly? Am I going to argue with him that he is wrong every time he complains to me? BA (Before Alzheimer’s Disease) I would have tried. And failed. Since I now know arguing is futile, I no longer do it. I listen politely when he complains. Period.

I still enjoy a good, healthy discussion of opposing views, but living with Alzheimer’s Disease has taught me to choose my discussion partners carefully, and not argue with those who are no longer capable of reasoning, or are so set in their ideas that an opposing view is useless. It certainly saves wear and tear on my nervous system. I have Alzheimer’s Disease to thank for teaching me a positive lesson.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: A lesson learned from living with AD

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