JOAN’S BLOG – THURS/FRI, JUNE 24/25, 2010 – LEARNING TO ACCEPT HELP

Recently I wrote a blog about how Alzheimer’s Disease has taught me that I can stand alone; that I am quite capable of making decisions; negotiating monetary deals; making large purchases all by myself. I would prefer to have my husband sharing these duties, but he cannot, so I go it alone.

I have been doing so much for so long by myself, that I did not realize how tired I was until Sid broke his foot , and my father moved to the ALF next door. The broken foot dashed the plans to have Sid go to the ALF, keep my father company, wheel him here for visits. Sid needs to be in a wheelchair when he is outside. My father needs to be in a wheelchair all of the time. That leaves me with a lot of wheeling and logistics to plan. I cannot do them both at the same time. Then there is the two-door car, which prevents me from taking them anywhere together, since neither one can get into the back seat.

While I was trying to figure out how I was going to have the energy to wheel both of them for visits; wait on Sid all day; and wheel Sid to PT; explain what was happening and when it was happening, to Sid at least 5 times a day; the cavalry arrived. First, the physical therapist showed up at my door. He wheeled Sid back and forth to PT, and does so for every session. It may seem like a small gesture, but it was one task I could cross off of my list.

While I was visiting my father at the ALF, the other physical therapist was finishing up with him, and told me that she would wheel him to my house whenever she was coming this way, so I did not have to go and get him. “Oh, no”, I said. “You don’t have to do that.” I did not want to inconvenience her. But you know what? The next day I had just finished putting on Sid’s “boot”, giving him breakfast, settling him in the den with a drink and his glucose monitor within reach, and realized I had not eaten my breakfast. I took a deep breath, called the PT, and asked her to bring my father here when she had the chance. Sure enough, she delivered him to my door, and he spent a few hours visiting. It was a big relief to me.

Sunday, my cousin and his wife were here for Father’s Day. We were discussing my “two-door” car situation, which renders my car virtually useless for my needs, and how I was going to find the time to look for cars and negotiate deals. Sid always loved the “dealing” part of buying a car, but I knew he could not do it now. Besides the impracticality of dragging him from dealer to dealer with a wheelchair, he would never remember which salesman said what, nor is his reasoning very sound. So I was going to handle the “deal”. I can do it. I don’t want to do it, but I can do it. My cousin, who is not only an accountant and money manager, but the best “deal negotiator” I know, offered to do the deed for me. At first, I said, “No, I don’t want to bother you. I can do it myself.”

After a “virtual” slap in the head to myself, I took him up on his offer. He likes to do it; he is good at it; he offered. Why should I refuse? I will pick out the car I want, and sit quietly, playing the “dumb blonde”, while he handles the rest. It was a HUGE load off of my shoulders.

I do not know why some of us, myself included, feel that we are imposing or inconveniencing others when they offer help. Not anymore. This job is too difficult to handle alone. Help is appreciated and accepted.  

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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