JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE, APRIL 27/28,2009 – I WISH YOU HAD KNOWN US BEFORE AD

If we had stayed in Massachusetts, where we had lived for 31 years, our friends with whom we were close, would be horrified at “Joan and Sid’s”current relationship situation. They would have known what we were like before AD, and they would have mourned the change along with me.

But we did not stay. We moved to Florida at the beginning of Sid’s changes. A long distance move means making all new friends. It means being seen through new eyes that know nothing of what came before. Of all the hurt I have endured in the name of Alzheimer’s Disease, the picture of “Joan and Sid” through those new eyes, is one of the most painful.

Our old friends saw tenderness and love when Sid and I looked at each other; our new friends see anger and bitterness. Our old friends saw a couple who walked side by side, never without a touch, a gentle caress, that wordlessly expressed a physical and emotional closeness. Our new friends see two people walking far apart, whose hands and bodies never touch. Our old friends sat with a couple who looked upon each other with a wink and a smile that held private jokes and signals. Our new friends sit with a man who glares at his wife in anger, and a woman who is nervous and stressed. Our old friends were used to hearing Sid speak of me as the greatest love of his life; of our marriage as the best thing that ever happened to him; and listened patiently as he told of his pride in my accomplishments and abilities. Our new friends listen in horror as he belittles me, insults me, and berates me in public. Our old friends listened to me talk of the unselfishness, kindness, and loyalty of the man I fell in love with at first sight. Our new friends listen to me speak of a stranger who is consumed with such rage at what he perceives as my ultimate betrayal (taking away his freedom/driving) that he can only think of himself, his own hurt, and inflicting as much pain on me as possible. I have never denied him anything, and if my finances had not been completely destroyed, I would have bought him a golf cart in a split second. It would give him back a bit of the freedom he craves.

Our son rarely expresses his feelings. When he was here visiting in January, I asked him to tell me how he felt about what he saw in his parents. True to his nature, his answer was as short as he could make it. “It’s sad”, he said. “It’s sad to see how you two are now.” Thank goodness he grew up with a strong, loving marriage as a model. He never knew anything but two parents who loved and respected one another, and treated each other like precious gems.

Yes, the Risperdal has made the situation better. The outbursts have stopped. The public berating has stopped (at least while I am present).  But the damage Alzheimer’s Disease has done to his brain is irreparable. He will never love me as he did. And I will never again have the husband I knew. It is sad. Very, very sad. I wish our new friends had known us before AD.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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