JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, OCTOBER 14/15, 2009 – DEALING WITH KINDNESS

Who would ever have thought I would be in a quandary over how to respond to my husband’s kindness. For the first 35 years of our 39 year marriage, kindness and loving consideration were the norm in our relationship. Alzheimer’s Disease changed it all. For 3 years, I dreaded waking up in the morning, always wondering – In what mood will he wake? Will he be depressed, angry, mean, insulting? Will I have to watch every word I say for fear that he will misinterpret it and lash out in verbal abuse. For almost one solid year after that, I endured unbearable stress related to his screaming, verbal abuse, irrational reasoning, and just plain meanness towards me. I did what any spouse would do facing the strain and pressure of constant nervous tension – I turned off, “disengaged” emotionally, and accepted that the husband I knew had been replaced by the Alzheimer Devil. I ignored the rages, stopped arguing, and was happy if I had a day without temper tantrums and rage.

Risperdal calmed him down, and life went on in sort of a “truce” state. Now that we are settled in our new villa, another change. My husband has become solicitous, kind, and concerned about me. He is affectionate, tries to help me around the house, and does not get anxious and angry when things go wrong. So who is this new stranger? And what brought this on?

Case in point was the little emergency we had here on Tuesday. My desk, which is in two parts, was collapsing, due to a problem with the way the movers attached part one to part two. I had to remove everything pronto to avoid a major crash. I asked Sid to look under the desk to see if he could tighten the screws.  My mistake. I should have known better. Between his severely arthritic back, weak leg muscles, and limited range of motion, the poor guy got stuck under there. He was in agonizing pain, and no matter which way he tried to move, he could not get up. Not only that, while he was under there, he determined that the screws were stripped and useless. After much pulling, pushing, leaning, and grunting, I managed to get him on his feet. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he went into the garage to get another tool, and INSISTED on getting under the desk again, only to realize that the new tool was not going to work either. Once again, with supreme effort, I did get him out of there. Three months ago, he would have been black with rage, screaming and swearing at me for putting him in that position, making his entire body hurt, not understanding how much pain he lives with, and generally berating me into the ground. This time, when I told him he did not have to get under the desk a second time, and I asked why he was stubborn enough to do it, he answered quietly, “I just wanted to be able to do something for you.”

My heart, to which I had applied what I thought was an impenetrable glaze, cracked and broke once again. This was the dear, sweet husband I used to know, wanting to do something kind for me.

I am not complaining about his kindess, just befuddled. How did this happen, and do I open myself up to loving emotions again, only to be shot down in pain later on? The dilemma of the AD spouse – we shut off our emotions to shield ourselves from their abuse, and then they switch gears into “kindness” mode. We go back and forth. Emotions on and off. It is extremely difficult to navigate this territory.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

 (Note: I called the maintenance man, who measured, cut a wooden brace, and put it under the desk. All fixed.)

©Copyright 2009 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2009 All Rights Reserved

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